We’re Doomed as a Society

This morning a link popped up in my RSS stream from Boing Boing pointing out a new line of artisanal crap from Williams-Sonoma named Agrarian1 featuring garden supplies marketed to worthless hipster shit-bags with more money that sense.

Among the overpriced pre-fabricated chicken coops2 I found this lovely piece of crap. For those too lazy to click the link, the item is question is a $200.00, hand-crafted, copper-headed shovel. I’m just not drunk enough to fathom the rational that would lead someone to click the Add to Basket button. I imagine it goes something like this:

I really need a spade to till my nine square-foot urban “garden” but I can’t possibly be seen using something as proletariat as this3. I know, I’ll hie myself over to the Williams-Sonoma website and see if there is a product that speaks to a connoisseur authentic hand-crafted artisanal artifacts.”

Ultimately, what truly enrages me about shit like this isn’t that some company has managed to figure out how to fleece hipster twats. Good on them for taking those moron’s hard-earned4 money. What enrages me is that, for all their talk of “sustainable living” and “natural food” and whatever other bullshit buzzwords the kids are flinging about these days, I would bet dollars to donuts that not a single one of these shovels sold will ever be used. Oh sure, the kiddies will turn a few spadefuls of earth to say they’ve used this thing but after that it will be hung in a nice prominent place in their impeccably arranged—-and seldom used—-garden shed. And as for actual sustainability, I’ll go with the cheap-ass steel shovel linked above. I have working spades that were old when I inherited them from my father 25 years ago.

There’s a word for people who value the appearance of a skill over the real skill itself. We call those people dilettantes. Anyone who would buy something from Williams-Sonoma’s Agrarian collection is a fucking dilettante; nothing more, nothing less. My only consolation is that they’ll be the first free-range artisanal Soylent Green© I’ll eat when things go all ThunderDome.

  1. I assume you’re intended to pronounce the word with as much dramatic flair as possible. Agraariiaan 

  2. The last thing I need is yet another hipster twat in my neighborhood deciding to keep chickens. 

  3. $14.97 at The Home Depot. More Saving More Doing™ 

  4. By their parents