V” is a Very, Very Bad Show

and now for something completely different…

I’m going to take a bit of a departure from my usual ranting about the tech media and politics today to express my utter and complete rage at the monumental cluster-fuck that is the current television series “V.” There will undoubtedly be spoilers in this rant, so deal with that.

For those who are unaware, ABC is currently airing a reboot of the classic 1980’s science-fiction mini-series “V.” In the original version Earth is visited by a race of extra-terrestrials claiming to offer humanity the hand of friendship. In reality, these “Visitors” are actually a race of Nazi lizard people armed with laser guns, big shoulder-pads and even bigger hair, whose true objective is to steal our water and eat us—not necessarily in that order. The Visitors are opposed by, and eventually defeated by a plucky gang of resistance fighters led by a photo-journalist, a science chick and Michael Fucking Ironside, with an assist by Freddy Kruger. In retrospect, the snakeheads never had a chance.

The original “V” miniseries was a simple parable about how average people acquiesce to an oppressive regime. The message is hammered home via the character of Abraham, a Holocaust survivor who teaches the youngin’s the proper way vandalize a Visitor propaganda poster, specifically by painting it with the titular V—”for victory.”

If the new “V” series has any similar message, it is buried under the fact that it is a massive, steaming pile of syphilitic gorilla shit.

The new series shares the premise that Earth is visited by extra-terrestrials who claim they’ve come to help us out. These aliens, who in this series actually call themselves “Vs” for no intelligible reason, are also lizards in disguise who have apparently been fucking about on Earth for at least sixty years. These Vs are not here to steal our water and our tasty, tasty man-flesh though. As far as can be discerned from the show so far, these Vs are here to breed with us. This begs the question: why bother with all the secrecy. I know plenty of neckbeards who would happily give up the juice to Morena Baccarin, Laura Vandervoort, or Rekha Sharma as long as they keep the skin-suit on. Hell, I know plenty who’d throw a bone in Jane Badler if given the chance.

Opposing the alien sex-fiends is the most incompetent band of freedom fighters assembled since the filming of Ernest Joins the Taliban. The team consists of Father Preachy McNon-Violence, The Most Incompetent FBI Agent in the World, The Mercenary with the Vaguely Australian Accent, The Lizard-Man who Turned Traitor for Love and The Most Clueless Media Personality Since Tucker Carlson. Seriously, I wouldn’t task these chumps with liberating a Snickers bar from the office vending machine.

Up until the last two episodes of V, the show was merely bad. I can tolerate crap like the fact that Elizabeth Mitchell’s Breasts (I honestly have no idea what the character’s name is) has actually killed or incarcerated more potential allies in the war against lizard sex than she’s recruited. What I cannot tolerate is a show that actively and literally insults my intelligence.

I’m referring here to the emerging story-line concerning Anna the Lizard Queen’s quest to find the Human Soul.

To be clear, I am not so atheist that I reject any notion of spirituality or religion in my Science Fiction. In fact, I was extremely annoyed at some of the whiners who flipped out at the finale of “Battlestar Galactica” because of the presence of an apparently god-like entity. What is offensive is the ham-handed and idiotic way in which “V” has approached the matter.

During last night’s episode The Blandest Traitor Ever, Joshua devises a device which will use superior V technology to “strip away all that is physically human to reveal the human soul.” Which will somehow allow Morena Baccarin’s neck-bones to defeat humanity, because flying saucers, lasers and her daughter’s magnificent tits are apparently not doing the trick. Yes, the Vs, who possess unlimited energy and FTL drives are seeking to prove the 21 Grams TheoryFOR VICTORY!

It is at this point where I have to bid this abomination of a show good day.

The only possible way for this fucktardery to redeem itself would be for the finale to consist of a crack team composed of Richard Dawkins, PZ Meyers, Phil Plait and Chris Hitchens explaining that Anna’s defeat was inevitable, because she is a superstitious idiot who squandered her species’ resources attempting to eradicate something that doesn’t exist.

A lesbian love scene between Morena Baccarin and Elizabeth Mitchell would also be acceptable.