Tabletard Speculation Part Eleventy Billion

I’m hungover and cranky, and I’m utterly tired of iTabet/Slate/Whatever—-the—-fuck speculation. Today, in particular, I’m irritated at this pointless exercise posted to Macworld a few days ago (actually it originated at Computerworld, but I’m too lazy to dig up the link.) The gist of the article is two “analysts” giving reasons why Apple will, nay must, announce a tablet this month. Bear in mind, I’m not offering any speculation or commentary on whether Apple will or won’t announce the Holy Grailblet. I’m commenting solely on the inane reasons given by the “analysts.”

The technology’s ready.”

So the fuck what? Flying jet-car technology is ready too, where’s my flying jet-car Ford‽

E-book readers are hot.”

Good gods do the analtards love this one. Niche product is hot, where by “hot” we mean popular with New Media Douchebags not real people, so damn the torpedoes full speed ahead. The Tablets must flow!!!

Tablets are fun, computers are not.”

You know what else is fun you mooks? Unicorns. And hookers. Fuck it Apple, where is my hooker on a unicorn‽

A tablet is Apple’s next step toward world domination.

Oh yeah baby, we’re living under Highlander rules now. Here’s a clue you feckless retards, Apple isn’t interested in “world domination.” They’re interested in making oodles of cash.

Feh, a pox on the whole thing. For the love of God Apple, announce this thing so I don’t have to read any more of this tripe.