Rob Enderle: A Douche for All Seasons

I don’t often bag on Rob Enderle. I mean, where’s the sport in picking apart the scribblings of a guy who looks like your creepy uncle, and who would write an article comparing his own mother to Satan if you greased his palm sufficiently? Nonetheless, Rob’s latest idiotic screed is something that I can’t pass by. So, let’s fire up the RantoMatic 5000 and get down to business.

I’d like to dissect Rob’s article argument by argument. Unfortunately Rob neglected to actually make any arguments. Instead, what we have is a loosely strung together collection of mini-rants, inexplicable links, pathetic attempts at wit, and a bizarre audition for work at Fox News. So, in lieu of a proper tear-down, I’ll settle for pointing out some of the more inane pieces.

All shitty articles start with a shitty headline, and this turd is no exception.

Apple Shakes Baby, Kills Freedom of Speech

You see, what prompted Rob to go into a frenzy was the recent “Baby Shaker” iPhone app incident. I think. It’s really hard to understand the gibberish that Rob spews onto the screen. You see, last week Apple shook a baby to death. Then for a followup they repealed the First Amendment. Or not. In reality, maybe Apple allowed an app of admittedly questionable taste to make it into the App Store, and, when the pro-infant contingent started whining about it, pulled the app. At any rate, Rob’s angry about it.

Rob’s tenuous grasp on reality is further reflected in the lead.

Apple may be a genius when it comes to branding its products, but when it comes to public relations, the company is in a dead heat with Google for the crown of worst company in the world. Google looked to be the winner when its Street View team was run out of town by angry Brits, but Apple quickly one-upped it with its all-around bad judgment over the notorious “baby shaker” app for the iPhone.

Um, yeah, Apple and Google, the two companies in the world with the worst PR ever. I’ll just leave that one to fester.

Moving on to the next paragraph.

Apple (Nasdaq: AAPL) was having a good month until last week. Sales were up explosively — at least, for the iPhone and iPod — but all of that good news was trashed when the company first allowed a questionable application onto the iPhone and then killed it without explanation. Already, the tone surrounding Apple appears to be changing.

Yup, everything Apple has accomplished in 30 odd years of business has been destroyed by one iPhone joke app. Developers, your power has never been so great! Even worse, the last word in the paragraph, “changing,” is a link to some asinine ZDoucheNet story about how the MacBook Air doesn’t compete with some shit-ass netbook. I guess the actual relevance of the link doesn’t matter as long as the fucks who provide Rob with his cocaine supply get the Google juice.

From there Rob continues his decent into madness. As far as I can tell, the Dipshit King seems to think that Baby Shaker was some sort of avante garde message about the dangers of Baby Shaking (and believe me, I wish someone had warned me about baby shaking before I blew out my rotator cuff). I can’t say for sure that that’s what Rob’s on about, because reading his “argument” makes my head swim.

For the sake of giving you pricks the same headache I have, here’s a choice quote.

Going to the core of all of this is free speech and censorship. In this instance, there may be — and I stress “may,” because I have no idea why this thing actually exists — two groups focused on doing the same good deed, while disagreeing as to the method. In choosing one side, Apple effectively entered as censor with a possible adverse impact: That one life that might have been saved will now be lost. It appears that both the initial acceptance and later removal of the application came without any deep review.

What in Baal’s name does that even mean? Seriously, one thousand quatloos for the person who can parse that paragraph.

At this point, things get weird. Rob, who is apparently looking to branch out from his job sucking Steve Balmer’s cock to sucking Rupert Murdoch’s cock uses this drivel to attack Al Gore.

Why this is a problem for Al Gore is that the Democratic Party — the one he belongs to — tends to aggressively defend free speech and has supported aggressive anti—-smoking efforts in the past that could potentially be viewed as bearing similarities to the current controversy. With a Nobel Prize, the expectation is that Gore would play a significant role when issues like this arise.

You read it right childrens, Al Gore is responsible for App Store approvals. The words, they fail me.

There really isn’t much else to say about this one. Everyone knows that Rob Enderle is the shillingest of paid shills, but I have to believe that he did this one off the clock. There couldn’t be anyone retarded enough to pay for a combined Apple/Democrat hit piece based on an iPhone joke app. Could there be? As a special bonus, do read the comments to the original piece Rob’s replies to the criticism are just precious.