The Gizmodo Cocksuckers Strike Again

Sing, O Goddess of the wrath of Achilles…

On second thought bitch, sing of the wrath of the Angry Drunk, for he is indeed wroth.

And what fine specimen of New Media Douchebaggery has earned my unholy wrath today? Why, it’s Jesus Diaz of Fuckwit Central, or Gizmodo as they prefer to be called. Last week I mentioned, in passing, a bullshit rumor-mill story by Jesus citing unnamed sources claiming that Steve Jobs’ decision not to deliver Apple’s final keynote address at the Macworld Expo this week was due to illness. In a rare move, both Steve and the Apple Board of Directors issued statements today addressing this issue. Steve’s letter is here; and the Board’s is here. Go ahead and read them. I’ll wait.

Ok, you’re back. Did you read those? Seriously read them? Good; now here’s a quick pop quiz. In which sentence did Steve or the Board admit that Apple PR was “lying” when they stated that Apple was pulling out of Macworld because the Expo was no longer worth the investment? Can’t find that part? Neither can I; but we must not have the magical mind reading powers of Jesus Diaz. See, in the world of New Media Douchebaggery, there a few hard and fast rules; and one of the primary ones is that you never, ever admit when you’re wrong.

So, instead of manning up and admittingt hat he spread a bullshit rumor based on a lying piece of shit source; Jesus decides to claim that it’s Apple that’s lying. Read it here. To quote:

But we were right on something almost as important: The reason why Steve Jobs is not doing the Macworld 2009 keynote is his health. Apple PR muscle tried to mislead the public again saying that the reason was the irrelevance of Macworld. They said they didn’t want to give importance to a show that Apple was pulling from.

That’s a lie.

The truth, as written by Steve Jobs himself, is that his health is the real reason. He didn’t want to put himself through the ordeal of preparing the keynote—the hardest part—and delivering it for two hours. And that’s why he decided to take time off with his family and keep recovering.

No Jesus, you rampaging fucktard, “…[t]he truth, as written by Steve Jobs himself…” is that he was losing weight, which he never denied, the issue has been identified and is being addressed. I know that it’s hard to focus on reading comprehension and causal connections with that New Media ad-revenue dick firmly lodged in your esophagus, but let me break down Steve’s message in terms even a jackanape like you can digest. The translation is in italics.

Dear Apple Community,

Dear fuckheads,

For the first time in a decade, I’m getting to spend the holiday season with my family, rather than intensely preparing for a Macworld keynote.

I got to spend Festivus with my family, mainly because I’m done putting on a show for you twats. Yay me!

Unfortunately, my decision to have Phil deliver the Macworld keynote set off another flurry of rumors about my health, with some even publishing stories of me on my deathbed.

Unfortunately you shitheads (I’m looking at you Jesus) needed to cover your shorts and decided to make up some bullshit.

I’ve decided to share something very personal with the Apple community so that we can all relax and enjoy the show tomorrow.

I’m only saying this once, so pull Denton’s cock out of your mouth and listen up.

As many of you know, I have been losing weight throughout 2008. The reason has been a mystery to me and my doctors. A few weeks ago, I decided that getting to the root cause of this and reversing it needed to become my #1 priority.

I’ve been losing weight? No shit, I hadn’t noticed! Thank you for pointing out the obvious.

Fortunately, after further testing, my doctors think they have found the cause—a hormone imbalance that has been “robbing” me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy. Sophisticated blood tests have confirmed this diagnosis.

Sadly, I’m a woo-addled hippy and it took me a while to go to a doctor who practices evidence-based medicine. My bad.

The remedy for this nutritional problem is relatively simple and straightforward, and I’ve already begun treatment. But, just like I didn’t lose this much weight and body mass in a week or a month, my doctors expect it will take me until late this Spring to regain it. I will continue as Apple’s CEO during my recovery.

Modern science is fucking amazing.

I have given more than my all to Apple for the past 11 years now. I will be the first one to step up and tell our Board of Directors if I can no longer continue to fulfill my duties as Apple’s CEO. I hope the Apple community will support me in my recovery and know that I will always put what is best for Apple first.

I don’t need you pricks to remind me of my fiduciary duties as a CEO.

So now I’ve said more than I wanted to say, and all that I am going to say, about this.

Fuck off and die.

Is that more clear? Correlation does not equal causation.

Now, translating the statement from the Board is even easier:

Are you on the Apple Board of Direcors? No? Didn’t think so. Now fuck off.

Here’s the deal my Web 2.0 brethren. When you wonder why businesses don’t give you the respect and access that you deserve. Why people still say “blogger” with the same tone that they do “child raping dog-fucker?” Well, take a good long look at chumps like Jesus Diaz. That’s your answer.