Yes, thwunk.

That kids, is the sound of me slamming my head against the keyboard. By the by, ergonomic keyboards are much better on the noggin than standard. And why am I slamming my head into the keyboard you ask. Well it may have something to do with this bit of idiocy from The Apple Blog. The piece purports to be a comparison of Apple’s .Mac service and the various Google offerings, with an attempt to answer the question, “Is Google the next .Mac.”

We begin with the timeless call for the glorious day when all apps run off of the network and we live in a wonderous cloud of virtual information. Of course these pieces never do address the issue of what happens when you can’t access the network; but whatever, we’ll leave that for another day. So, having set the mood, we get into the “analysis.” The first thing we have is a nice table comparing the features of .Mac and Google Apps. Right off the bat the table is fucking wrong. It claims that while Google supports POP and IMAP (IMAP support being added very recently, and by all accounts buggy as an Alabama tweaker on St. Swithin’s day) whereas .Mac is IMAP only. Um, wrong, .Mac mail works swimingly with POP, I used it that way for years. The table also declares that Google’s storage limit is “unknown.” Oooh, unknown. I don’t know about you, but I sure love basing reviews on “unknown.”

Having made our way past the shoals of not knowing what the fuck you’re talking about, we move on to the analysis of .Mac, The one paragraph analysis of .Mac. We hear a bit about .Mac Web Gallery, the bump in storage, and “Back to My Mac.” And here’s where we skid off the rails. The article proceeds to waste one fifth of it’s analysis of .Mac babbling about how nifty it would be if “Back to My Mac.” extended to the iPhone and iTouch and included Front Row so you could stream…blah blah blah. Shuddering back onto the trail, the paragraph is rounded out with a mention of Backup and iCal/Address Book syncing. Absent is any mention of .Mac web hosting, iDisk, bookmark syncing, iCards or the Learning Center tutorials. Shit features to be sure, but features nonetheless. Prominently mentioned is the $99.00 a year price tag, which breaks down to $8.25 a month, only 4 dollars more expensive than the fucks at EarthLink are charging me just to keep an email address; but that’s a rant for another day.

Now that we’re done with the “analysis” of .Mac, we move on to the analysis of Google. Which clocks in at two paragraphs, for the record. Mentioned are Gmail and Gdrive, with its spoooky unknown storage limit; and, of course, a wild digression into rampant speculation on what Google might offer in the future. The next paragraph touts the wonders of Picassa (iPhoto), Blogger (iWeb), Google Docs and Spreadsheets (iWork), Google Talk (iChat) , Google Reader (Mail/Safari) and iGoogle (fuck, you got me Apple has no answer to the cutting edge world of web portals). There is a brief acknowledgement that all this crap is essentially Google only (yes, hacks and exceptions exist) and another chance to ignore the question, just what the hell do I do when my ISP craps out. Finally, the paragraph closes with the note that Google is free, for values of the word “free” that include having my data mined for advertisers.

Finally the pain-train rolls into central station with the “conclusion” (and I use that word only in the sense that the fucking article is over) that, based on the in depth comparison, Google will rule the universe. Seriously, the final paragraph heading is “One Google to Rule Them All.” Sauron must be so proud. This “conclusion” is essentially based on the premise that Google will add wonderous new features to make all of Nerdistan happy. I counter than Apple will add free hookers and cocaine to .Mac; and I have just as much proof.

Seriously, this is a website with a sizable readership…get some fucking writers stat!