March 24th, 2009, by The Angry Drunk Jesus fuck me Christ! I’ve read some stupid crap, from some stupid fucking “writers” over the years, but the unadulterated shit that Scott Moritz spews out has got to take the cake. Seriously, if you are stupid enough to make a single stock trade based on the tripe that this Uncle Fester looking douche-nozzle vomits forth you deserve to not only lose your money, but to be drug out onto the floor of the New York Stock Exchange and shot in the head. Last week we had this idiotic turd of an article reporting on the iPhone 3.0 preview event. Here’s a clue Scott. When you can’t even get the basic facts of the fucking story correct, you should probably just go hang yourself. Hint, the iPhone push notification service isn’t being provided by Meebo you fuckwad. But Scott isn’t content to just be a talentless inattentive hack. No, he’s going for the gold with this unfathomably insane piece of drivel. I’ll start with the headline itself. Apple’s Netbook Foray Will Flop Think about that for a second. Really let it roll around in your head. Yes, Scott (I shave my head so I look like my hero
Continue reading Scott Moritz: Idiotic Douchebag or Moronic Cock-Sucker? You Decide
January 6th, 2009, by The Angry Drunk sigh So, it seems that I’m going to have to explain reality to the MacMacs yet again. I know you’re all busy dusting off your hair-shirts and preparing for the inevitable round of self-flagellation that you so love to indulge in after every Apple announcement. But please, for the love of Moloch, try and actually think for a minute here. Apple is pulling out of Macworld Conference and Expo after this year. Ascribe to that whatever conspiracy theory makes your fuzzy little heads warm; but it’s a simple fact. Corollary to that fact; Steve Jobs wasn’t going to deliver the Keynote. Again, come up with whatever “moon-landing-was-a-hoax” theory you want to to explain that; but it’s a fact. So, given those facts; did you really, really, think that Apple was going to make some earth-shattering announcements today? Did you honestly believe that this was going to be anything other than the most banal and hum-drum Keynote since Jobs returned. Why, in the name of all that’s unholy would Apple go and prove that everyone who crucified them for pulling out of the Expo was right. Really, use your fracking brains you nimrods!
October 24th, 2008, by The Angry Drunk So, my office is doing a canned food drive for a local food bank. Ok, that’s cool, laudable even. Now, how are we going to implement this? A box in the break room perhaps, where people can quietly donate as their conscience dictates? Oh. Fuck. No. No, instead we’ve been divvied up into teams, apparently via some random algorithm since I have no idea who these people are. Then a “team captain” is appointed to send out obnoxious rah-rah emails. And why, dear readers do we need rah-rah emails? Because, of course since this office has a ten to one ratio of Sales douches to normal people, we’ve gone and made this into a competition. Yes indeedy, don’t donate because it helps people, donate to get a splendiferous half day off. Sometimes I think that these retards are incapable of taking a crap unless someone posts the results to a “leaderboard” somewhere. To add idiocy to obnoxiousness, the latest douchemail from the “captain” encourages us to buy cases of bottled water. Because, you know, it’s more efficient for me to provide water at $.75 a pop than it is for the food bank to use the taps at $.01 a
Continue reading I Gave at the Office
September 30th, 2008, by The Angry Drunk Today’s dose of “teh stoopid” comes to us courtesy of The Apple Blog in this wonderful gem of idiocy from Bob Rudis titled iTunes Store and Apple’s DRM Safe Haven In Jeopardy. I have neither the time, nor the energy to properly disect this gem; but it breaks down like this. Apple recently commented that the rate hikes on digital downloads being proposed by the Copyright Royalty Board could make it shut down the iTunes Store. For those with terminal brain dysfunction, this is what we call a “bluff.” Bob combines this fact with the fact that Walmart, that paragon of consumer activism recently shut down its wildly successful online music store; and in the process of doing so told it’s customers to pound sand. From these two events, related tangentially at best, Bob then extrapolates a dystopian future where Apple shutters iTunes and leaves its customers in the lurch. Of course, this leads us to Bob’s heroic cry to the common man to rise up against the shackles of FairPlay and ask, nay, demand that Apple violate their contracts with the music industry and remove FairPlay now. It’s really too bad that Apple, in its usual secretive
Continue reading What Fresh Idiocy Is This?
April 14th, 2008, by The Angry Drunk …The chuckle-heads at Psystar, whose website seems to be down, so here’s a link to the Ars story. It seems these frigtards are selling a Leopard compatible Mac “clone” for four hundred clams. Here’s a quick dramatization of the strategy meeting in Psytar central that resulted in this brave experiment in getting your asses sued off by el jeffe Jobs: GUY 1: gurgle gurgle gurgle inhale.…cough, cough. Hey man, you know what would be really cool? If we slap some commodity PC parts together with an EFI emulator and sell it to run Mac OS X on. GUY 2: Dude, don’t bogart the bong man. Yeah, that would rock, and we could sell it for, like four hundred bucks. GUY 1: Oh yeah man. The proponents of free software will buy these like hotcakes. We’ll be striking a blow for freedom. I don’t know who to pity more. These morons, or any fool who actually orders one of these things. peace out.
March 19th, 2008, by The Angry Drunk Ashutosh Chaturvedi! Ashu serves up one hell of a two-fer on his blog. In fact, his blog has a whopping 2 posts, and they’re both mind bogglingly retarded. Taking the lesser of two fuck-ups first, we have this gem. Ashu is upset that Tuesday’s Leopard Security update broke ssh. Quote: One would think that Apple had tested out the security update before releasing it to the public… but apparently not. He even manages to link to the whiny entitle-twats on the Apple discussion forums bitching about it. Only problem is, it’s not an Apple error. In fact, it’s Rogue Amoeba’s fuckup, as evidenced in the very fucking thread he links too. Now, true, the actual cause wasn’t determined until after Ashu posted his little droppings; but then again, when did a MacMac blogger ever take the fucking time to troubleshoot an error before unleasing the floodgates of whining on Apple.But really, that is just the warm up for the real, aneurysm inducing what-the-fuck that Ashu managed to spill forth yesterday. See, apparently Ashu was actually let into the iPhone Developer program. That’s right, the
Continue reading And Today’s Jackass Blogger Is…
March 14th, 2008, by The Angry Drunk Strap in cats and catettes, this is going to be a bumpy ride. Apparently Apple has made their first round picks for the iPhone developer program. Note, this only applies to developers receiving the certificates that they need to install and test their software on physical iPhones. Anyone reading more into the decisions (such as who will eventually be let into the iPhone AppStore) is full of more bullshit than a constipated Angus. Against all odds, and seriously here I’m fucking shocked, the first story on this to hit my feed-reader was from iLounge with this gob-smackingly non–hyperbolic story. I mean, what the deuce iLounge; what sort of chumps are you, posting the actual email contents and not wildly speculating? Are you trying to put me out of the bitch-slapping business? For contrast, here is the headline from TUAW “iPhone developer rejection letter mass mailing” Rejection you say! Well fuck Apple, I can’t believe that they would be so cruel. El jeffe must be cackling with joy at the thought of all those disappointed developers. Or, wait, let’s see that the actual fucking “rejection” letter (which iLounge was
Continue reading Here We Go.
March 6th, 2008, by The Angry Drunk Today Apple held an event to layout the roadmap for enterprise support and the SDK. I’ll leave the analysis of the event to my betters, mainly because a) I don’t own an iPhone, b) I’m not a developer and c) the morons in charge of “Enterprise IT” where I’m at would first ask if that was a ship captained by a chap named Kirk, then ask if you could help them with the hand they have stuck in a honey jar. Instead I’m going to focus on Ryan Block of Engadget, because he is a fucking tool. Let’s just lay this one out here, since I’m sure the rest of the blogotesseract will be all over this soon enough. Ryan was actually dimwitted enough to ask, during the Q&A following the announcement, if a SIM unlocking application would be something that Apple would allow. Yeah, just let that one sink in a bit. Ryan, we get it, I’ve listened to your crappy podcast. You’re none to fond of Apple. You don’t like iPods. And you’re firmly in the category of fucktards that think that, just because you think that a feature is neato-keen, well then by-cracky the manufacturer
Continue reading Ryan Block: Tool
February 22nd, 2008, by The Angry Drunk Ban every fuck who includes the phrase, “I don’t think we’re getting the whole story here.” and it’s variants. Seriously, you’ll lose 80% of the comments, but the average intelligence of the remaining comments will go up by 800%, so it’s an overall win.
February 19th, 2008, by The Angry Drunk Sweet beer-battered Christ with a side of cole slaw. For the life of me, I’m trying to figure out what the fuck this is supposed to be about. Seriously, what is the argument here? That the AppleTV needs an ability to play DVDs? I suppose that you can argue that, although I would place that argument firmly in the “if wishes were horses” category. Anyone with two neurons to rub together can see that el jeffe Jobs couldn’t give two shits about letting us access content that we’ve obtained from anywhere other than the iTunes Store. But what, in the name of Cthullu, does the MacBook Air have to do with the price of whores in Reno. Or the digression into the history of Winamp and iTunes. Let me type this as slowly and clearly as I can. Here is Apple’s digital media strategy in 2 bullet points: - Buy shit from the iTunes Store
- Play it on an Apple branded device (iPod, iPhone, Mac, AppleTV, etc)
That’s it. To paraphrase Jeff Goldblum, there ain’t no fucking step 3. Apple has exactly one goal…make money for fucking Apple. Notice how both points in
Continue reading More Dreaming From the Mac Blogosphere.
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