Denying iPhone Apps…for Science!

Satan’s balls I hate TechCrunch; they truly are the ulti­mate bot­tom feeder of the tech indus­try. One of my favorite tricks that Mike Arrington and his car­ni­val of imbe­ciles like to pull is the “high­light yet another App Store denial” rou­tine. Today’s exam­ple from Roi Carthy, though, is a doozy. The head­line reads: Tawkon Measures The Radiation Spewing From Your iPhone. No Wonder Apple Doesn’t Approve It.

The idiocy is summed in the first paragraph.

Here we go again … Apple App Store Fail No. 5102928. A few weeks ago stealth Israeli startup Tawkon gave me a sneak-peak devel­oper build of what I believe is the most impor­tant app on my iPhone. What does it do? It ana­lyzes the cel­lu­lar radi­a­tion your iPhone emits at any given moment, at any given loca­tion, whether in standby mode, or within a call.

First of all, I’m declar­ing a fuck­ing fatwa against the use of the word “fail.” You’re (pre­sum­ably) not a gig­gling school-girl, stop fuck­ing writ­ing like one. But more to the point, let’s be clear about what this appli­ca­tion does. This piece of crap mea­sures the sig­nal strength of the iPhone’s cel­lu­lar radio, then does some alchemy to deter­mine the

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A New Low for TechCrunch

Gods know I hate TechCrunch. Fuck, they’re prob­a­bly respon­si­ble for at least a third of the mate­r­ial for the Angry Mac Bastards pod­cast. But yes­ter­day, TechCrunch and Erik Schonfeld sank to an abysmal new low.

In the arti­cle, which is so dis­jointed and point­less that it makes the aver­age third – grader’s book report look like a master’s the­sis, Shonfeld cas­ti­gates DeviantART (an online artis­tic com­mu­nity com­posed of user – sub­mit­ted works) for the fact that the one hun­dred mil­lionth user sub­mis­sion, or “devi­a­tion” as they are styled, hap­pens to be a gay sex story. I hon­estly can’t get what Shonfeld is going on about here. Is he offended by the sub­ject mat­ter, or just jeal­ous that the peo­ple at DeviantArt actu­ally pro­duce some­thing other than pro­pa­ganda for Google and end­less com­edy mate­r­ial for those of us bag­ging on the CrunchPad? Or, as is most likely given that this is TecCrunch, is he just trolling for links to keep his mas­ter Arrington from bust­ing out the cat-o-nine-tails and pun­ish­ment dildo?

Whatever the moti­va­tion, the arti­cle is rep­re­hen­si­ble. Seriously, how dare a jumped up tabloid like TechCrunch crit­i­cize DeviantART. It’s true that a large chunk of the mate­r­ial on DeviantART

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I Am Shamed

It’s hor­rif­i­cally embar­rass­ing to admit I missed one of the bet­ter idiot-quotes from Erick Schonfeld’s lat­est Google rim-job, and didn’t notice it until I saw it in a Prince McDildo article:

Google sup­pos­edly didn’t need to cre­ate its own phone, because it could sim­ply cre­ate soft­ware for the iPhone. And, in fact, some of the best apps on the iPhone — Mail, Maps, YouTube, Search — were devel­oped by Google.

The lack of oxy­gen from Google’s sch­long block­ing Erick’s air­way must have con­fused him. None of those appli­ca­tions were devel­oped by Google. One isn’t even a real application.

Get Google’s Cock Out of Your Mouth You Tool

Erick Schonfeld takes one deep and works the ball­sack today with this: Google Should Make Apple Beg For Maps Navigation. Choice quote:

When Google announced what is clearly the best car nav­i­ga­tion appli­ca­tion on any mobile today, it didn’t just take a swipe at GPS nav­i­ga­tion com­pa­nies such as Garmin and TomTom. It took a swipe at Apple.

Ignoring the breath­less procla­ma­tion that, since it’s from Google it must be the best thing since uni­corn cum, let me just point out that Apple already “took a swipe” at Google when they banned Google Voice, banned Google Latitude and bought a mother-fucking map­ping com­pany. As for the retarded notion that Google should make Apple “beg” to use their pre­cious unicorn-tear pow­ered map­ping frame­work, recall that Google doesn’t make dime fuck­ing one directly from Android phone sales. It makes it’s money sell­ing adver­tise­ments. As such, I rather imag­ine that Google will be beg­ging Apple to use their ser­vice on one of the fastest grow­ing mobile plat­forms in the fuck­ing Universe.

Seriously, Erick and the rest of the TechCrunch lack­wits, stop before your lips become per­ma­nently chapped.