My Predictions – Unicorn Edition

January 27th, 2010, by The Angry Drunk

The day of days is upon us, so I thought I’d do a quick run-down of the var­i­ous rumors that have been bandied about. I’m also going to give my esti­ma­tion on the like­li­hood of said pre­dic­tion com­ing true.


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The Calm Before the Storm

January 26th, 2010, by The Angry Drunk
blurb

Well, my lovelies, tomor­row all will be revealed. I’m about to ensconce myself within the med­i­ta­tion cham­ber of the Fortress of Disquietude until the magic hour is upon us. See you on the other side.

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Enough With the Fucking Tablet

January 20th, 2010, by The Angry Drunk

It’s extremely dis­turb­ing when I read some­thing insight­ful on TechCrunch. Imagine tak­ing anger-management advice from Mirror Universe James Kirk, or eti­quette train­ing from Tara Reid; some­thing about it just seems off. So you can imag­ine the dis­com­bob­u­la­tion I felt today when I read Anticipating the Apple Tablet: When jour­nal­ism becomes fan­fic­tion by Paul Carr. Paul makes a point that will be famil­iar to read­ers here and to lis­ten­ers of the Angry Mac Bastards pod­cast. The short ver­sion is, “until Apple actu­ally announces some­thing, shut the living-fuck up about the Apple tablet.”

Paul truly nails it with these two paragraphs:

But until the offi­cial launch announce­ment comes, I would rather not hear another word about Apple and their tablet. Not because it isn’t news – but because so many of the jour­nal­ists antic­i­pat­ing the launch have dropped any sense of respon­si­bil­ity to their read­ers and replaced it with cloy­ing fanboyism.

They claim of course that they’re dig­ging for facts – the name of the new prod­uct, its price point, its specs – because that’s what reporters do. Bullshit. What reporters do is find out things that peo­ple don’t want us to know. In seven days’ time Apple

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Apple Media Event Unveiled

January 18th, 2010, by The Angry Drunk

O frab­jous day! We finally have con­fir­ma­tion that Apple will, in fact, announce some­thing on January 27th. Indeed, cal­looh! Indeed, callay!

What we know:

Not a mother-fucking thing.

What I predict:

I pre­dict that an ungodly amount of ink and pix­els will be spilled in the next nine days while the tech-obessed media attempt to glean some mean­ing from the art­work of the invi­ta­tion. Ninety per­cent of which will be wrong. Also, Rob Enderle will be a douche.

What will be revealed:

That the per­son respon­si­ble for said art­work was, in fact, an eight-year-old girl.

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Erica Sadun: Nostradumbass

January 12th, 2010, by The Angry Drunk

Supposedly Erica Sadun is some sort of high poten­tate of the iPhone devel­op­ment com­mu­nity, which I guess explains why pub­li­ca­tions like The Unofficial Apple Weblog (TUAW) go to her for com­men­tary. But, given the fact that she has the log­i­cal skills of a young-earth cre­ation­ist, they should really stop. Case in point: an arti­cle posted today on TUAW titled App Store approvals and the tablet: why it mat­ters. That’s right kid­dies, it’s another arti­cle about unicorns.

Erica starts out with an observation:

When iTunes Connect returned after its Christmas break, devel­op­ers noticed that things had changed quite a bit on the App Store approval front. Applications that had for­merly taken ten to four­teen days to work through review were now get­ting processed in a cou­ple of days or less. The upshot? Happier devel­op­ers, bet­ter bug releases for users, and a health­ier App Store ecosystem.

Good so far, this is fac­tual and draws a con­clu­sion that fol­lows log­i­cally from the premise. The rail-jumping begins imme­di­ately after:

There’s another con­se­quence of the new, speed­ier approvals: the tablet. With the device due to ship March/April (late Q1, early Q2), and no announced 4.0 SDK, devel­op­ers were left won­der­ing how

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Tabletard Speculation Part Eleventy Billion

January 7th, 2010, by The Angry Drunk

I’m hun­gover and cranky, and I’m utterly tired of iTabet/Slate/Whateverthefuck spec­u­la­tion. Today, in par­tic­u­lar, I’m irri­tated at this point­less exer­cise posted to Macworld a few days ago (actu­ally it orig­i­nated at Computerworld, but I’m too lazy to dig up the link.) The gist of the arti­cle is two “ana­lysts” giv­ing rea­sons why Apple will, nay must, announce a tablet this month. Bear in mind, I’m not offer­ing any spec­u­la­tion or com­men­tary on whether Apple will or won’t announce the Holy Grailblet. I’m com­ment­ing solely on the inane rea­sons given by the “analysts.”

“The technology’s ready.”

So the fuck what? Flying jet-car tech­nol­ogy is ready too, where’s my fly­ing jet-car Ford?!?

“E-book read­ers are hot.”

Good gods do the anal­tards love this one. Niche prod­uct is hot, where by “hot” we mean pop­u­lar with New Media Douchebags not real peo­ple, so damn the tor­pe­does full speed ahead. The Tablets must flow!!!

“Tablets are fun, com­put­ers are not.”

You know what else is fun you mooks? Unicorns. And hook­ers. Fuck it Apple, where is my hooker on a unicorn?!?

“A tablet is Apple’s next step toward world dom­i­na­tion.”

Oh yeah baby, we’re living

Continue read­ing Tabletard Speculation Part Eleventy Billion


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Scoble Explains It All…Incorrectly

January 4th, 2010, by The Angry Drunk

While I was in the midst of my lat­est attempt to prove that a man can be pow­ered by ethanol alone, Betanews ran an utterly retarded opin­ion piece by Joe Wilcox titled: The world doesn’t need an Apple tablet, or any other. There is much that is fun­da­men­tally wrong with Joe’s piece, but I don’t want to talk about that. Fortunately I don’t have to talk about Joe’s errors because the tech pun­di­tards sal­lied forth en masse to white – knight a non-existent prod­uct (remem­ber, until Apple announces the gods damned thing, it ain’t real). Amongst the herd rush­ing to defend all things “tablet” was our good friend, and absolute moron Robert Scoble.

In a pre­co­cious bit of blo­g­or­rhea titled: Oh, Joe, the world doesn’t need a Tablet? Really? Robert springs to the defense of the tablet plat­form. Sadly, he also demon­strates that what Robert Scoble under­stands about tech­nol­ogy could be writ­ten in twenty-four point font on the back of a postage stamp; with room to spare.

Robert’s attempt to defend the maiden honor or the tablet takes the form of a litany of suc­cess­ful tablet com­put­ing devices that have already suc­ceeded in the mar­ket. Items he refers

Continue read­ing Scoble Explains It All…Incorrectly


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Gruber Gets It Right

January 1st, 2010, by The Angry Drunk

I haven’t writ­ten much about the sup­pos­edly impend­ing Apple Tablet device, mainly because I’m not in the busi­ness of tech – prog­nos­ti­ca­tion. If you’ve lis­tened to the Angry Mac Bastards pod­cast then you may have heard me express my opin­ion that there will be an Apple tablet-esque device, and that what­ever it is, the ideas being bandied about by the major­ity of the tech media will be wrong.

Until now that is. John Gruber over at Daring Fireball recently posted an arti­cle that I think absolutely nails what the “iTablet” will and won’t be. Seriously, any pun­dit that claims to know Apple, and then pro­claims that the mag­i­cal mys­tery device will be an upscaled iPod Touch, or a touch – screen Macbook, or a ded­i­cated ebook reader should have his or her key­board confiscated.

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