Golly-gee-willakers, who’da thunk it. A douchebag with no hardware development or product management skills couldn’t make his mythical iTablet killer appear out of unicorn farts. I’m shedding a tiny little tear.
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 The 2009 Apple World Wide Developer Conference Keynote was yesterday and Apple announced quite a few things. Here’s a compilation of my thoughts on the announcements. Updated Notebooks The first substantive announcement was updates to the Macbook and Macbook Pro lineups. I don’t have the patience to detail all of the changes, but you can read up on them here. The gist of the updates are: The Unibody 17, 15, and 13 inch models now all fall under the MacBook Pro label. The polycarbonate 15-inch Macbook gains an official place in the lineup. The Macbook Air gets a price drop. Firewire 800 and a Secure Digital card slot are present on all Macbook Pros, regardless of size. And finally, ExpressCard remains only on the 17-inch Macbook Pro. Notably, although not surprisingly, missing from the announcement was the long dreamed for Apple netbook. To me, there are some interesting implications of yesterday’s notebook announcements. First, Apple has finally seen the problems inherent in maintaining a Macbook vs. Macbook Pro distinction arbitrarily based on screen size and port availability. Now it is clear that Unibody models (excepting the Air) are to be seen as “professional” machines and the polycarbonate model(s) I don’t often bag on Rob Enderle. I mean, where’s the sport in picking apart the scribblings of a guy who looks like your creepy uncle, and who would write an article comparing his own mother to Satan if you greased his palm sufficiently? Nonetheless, Rob’s latest idiotic screed is something that I can’t pass by. So, let’s fire up the RantoMatic 5000™ and get down to business. I’d like to dissect Rob’s article argument by argument. Unfortunately Rob neglected to actually make any arguments. Instead, what we have is a loosely strung together collection of mini-rants, inexplicable links, pathetic attempts at wit, and a bizarre audition for work at Fox News. So, in lieu of a proper tear-down, I’ll settle for pointing out some of the more inane pieces. All shitty articles start with a shitty headline, and this turd is no exception.
You see, what prompted Rob to go into a frenzy was the recent “Baby Shaker” iPhone app incident. I think. It’s really hard to understand the gibberish that Rob spews onto the screen. You see, last week Apple shook a baby to death. Then for a followup they repealed the First Amendment. Or Hey kids, got this one via the whiny fuckers over at The Consumerist under the delightfully wrong title of AT&T Won’t Honor iPhone Price Announced In Its Own Press Release. The long and short of it is that our Douchebag of the Week contender “Rom” wants an iPhone 3G, and he doesn’t want to pay the unsubsidised price, even though he recently bought a BlackBerry from AT&T too. Hey, chucklefuck, wake up! This is how the subsidized phone trade works. The sooner you dips realize this, the sooner I can stop mainlining Pepto Bismol. I guess I can’t be too hard on Rom though, he is a Ferengi, and we all know what cheap fuckers they are. (Via Consumerist.) Breaking headline from the jack-holes at iPodNN. “Dev Team: iPhone 3G owners should avoid 2.0.1 update” Ok, let’s see what’s wrong with this, starting with the headline. “Dev Team:” Which “Dev Team?” Apple’s? Someone who’s opinion I give two shits about? No, of course not. It’s the ever so mature creators of the “Pwnage Tool”. “iPhone 3G owners” Wait, I’m an iPhone 3G owner! What’s the 2.0.1 update going to do to me? Absolutely nothing. To quote the article:
Heavens To Murgatroyd, you mean Apple may feel the need to update their own hardware in a way that doesn’t necessarily play fair with “Pwnage”? The monopolist bastards! To be fair, the blog post by the “Pwnage” people is a fair bit less FUDy than the iPodNN headline; since they at least acknowledge the actual audience that is effected by this. So I’ll have to direct the majority of my ire at This one’s probably not going to win me any friends; but then again, I’m not in this for the popularity. As you all probably know, one of the memes being bandied about in the media in the last week is the “Apple is ‘fucking up’ by not disclosing Steve Jobs’ medical condition.” To which Apple has, so-far, replied with a firm “Steve’s medical condition is his business,” and an implied, “fuck you.” At the center of this reporting is one particular piece of shit named Joe Nocera, who reports for the New York Times. Now, here’s the thing, I know a few things about Joe Nocera and his reporting. Sadly, this is the part where many of you will tune out. But please take the time to click the link to the Deep Capture Blog in my sidebar. Deep Capture is the ongoing story of Overstock.com’s CEO Patrick Byrne’s fight against market manipulating hedge fund managers and the business media that is complicit in their attempts to fuck over publicly traded companies. At the very least read this post from Deep Capture which deal specifically with the douchebag Joe Nocera. The thing is, I am First, a “Ha!” to Dan Costa; and a kudos to Yardena Arar at PC World. One of Dan’s rampant speculations in his little iPhone hit piece that I commented on here was that the iPhone 3G would undoubtedly have a worse battery life than competing 3G phones. On the contrary, PC World ran some actual tests (what a concept) and determined that, while all 3G phones suck battery like a Hilton sister on a schwantz, the iPhone 3G sucked the least. As an aside, I really have to say I’m impressed with the quality of the PC World article. It’s factual, unbiased and moderate in tone. My gods, could there still be actual professionals out here on the interwebs. Second, fuck you to Electronista (sister site of MacNN), and I’ll be damned if I’ll link to you prats. Why the vitriol? Because this is where I got the PC World story from, but there isn’t a single gods damned link that I could find from the Electronista story to the actual PC World story. You content stealing, no credit giving pricks really piss me off.
Update: Ok, I |
 
 
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