1. Prognosticatin’ Time

    October 22, 2012

    With another Apple event a mere twenty-four hours away, it’s time to slap on my prognostication turban and astound and amaze my three remaining readers by predicting the response to Apple’s announcement — whatever the fuck it happens to be.

    • Within minutes The Usual Suspects will flood Twitter and the blogosphere with self-congratulatory (and self-masturbatory) posts crowing how well-informed they were in predicting whatever the fuck Tim Cook pulls out of his ass. These posts will conveniently ignore any predictions that don’t come to pass. Careful analysis of these “predictions” will show that they are all nothing more than a rehash of John Gruber’s musings, Wall Street Journal articles and Dalrymplean “yeps”.
    • Blogs that cater to the jackass Wall Street contingent will drum up some acephalic lackwit of an “analyst” to claim that whatever Apple announced / didn’t announce shows a lack of “innovation” most likely do to a failure on Tim Cook’s part to ritualistically fellate the rotting corpse of Steve Jobs currently stored on level B-5 at 1 Infinite Loop.
    • The gadget bloggers will throw conniption fits that whatever their pet technology wasn’t included in the announced product(s). These fuckwits will ignore the fact that there isn’t any actual market for whatever buzzword is getting them hard and throbby this week. They will threaten to flounce off to Microsoft / Android / whatever, but we all know they’ll be waiting in line outside and Apple Store on release day.
    • I will weep softly for the future of humanity while drinking myself into a coma1.

    1. To be fair, that happens pretty much every night. 

  2. A Passing Thought

    September 26, 2012

    Since the iO6 release much has been made of Passbook and how unsatisfactory the experience is out of the box. I admit that I too puzzled over how to get the system working, and still have yet to find a participating store that I actually frequent. One of the suggestions that I’ve seen bandied about the Twitter and the blogosphere is that Apple should have included support for “Apple Store stuff” in the initial app. Some suggestions are Apple gift cards, discounts on iPhone accessories and even iPhone 5 pre-order redemption slips. I’ll admit that I initially though that was a good idea—-until I though about it more thoroughly.

    Look at the iOS Apple Store app. Do you see any “rewards cards”, the ability to use it as a gift card, or anything at all that would allow it to interact with an Apple Store POS terminal at all? No, you don’t. The the very model that the Apple Store app promotes — buy though the app, go to a store, pick up your item and walk out without interacting with an employee — is the very opposite of the model that Passbook promotes. In fact, Apple’s whole retail experience is designed to avoid the things that Passbook wants to make more efficient.

  3. Harry C. Marks on the Boring iPhone 5

    September 17, 2012

    Harry C. Marks on the overwhelmingly idiotic response to the iPhone 5 by the tech press:

    The iPhone is boring only to the rumor mongers who published every blurry picture of a motherboard they could get their hands on and the simps who think a feature checklist determines a gadget’s merit. However, isn’t it hypocritical that the gadget blogs that drowned their readers with post after post containing every little unconfirmed detail leading up to the iPhone 5 announcement are now the same gadget blogs lamenting how boring it all is because “we’ve seen it all”?

    Harry goes on to repeat something that I’ve been banging on for a while now. The infiltration of the gadget blogs into “mainstream” tech reporting has been, second only to the rise of the page-view economy, the worst thing to happen to tech reporting ever.

    The life blood of the gadget blog is change. A product that has reached a steady state—as I’d argue the iPhone and smartphones in general have—is death to them. But that doesn’t mean that the rest of the press needs to parrot that ADHD addled viewpoint.