Get your eye-bleach handy.

links to the actual posts here and here.

Of course, it should be obvious to anyone with two neurons to rub together that these reports are mutually exclusive. That never stopped the hacks at AI though. Bonus points for figuring out which post is by Prince McDildo without checking.

My contribution to the wonderful world of badly animated computer generated comedy. Dialog not particularly safe for work.

Here’s a YouTube link for all you Gruber worshippers who’ve completely disabled Flash.

• New iPod Touch announced: 99%
  • Has a front-facing camera with FaceTime integration: 65%
  • Rear-facing camera: 45%
  • Retina Display: 80%
• iPod Nano updated: 80%
  • More storage: 50%
  • Still picture camera: 40%
• New AppleTV: 70%
  • Runs iOS: 50%
  • Named iTV: 30%
  • Runs “apps”: 30%
  • Has an “app store”: 30%
• iTunes TV Show Rentals: 10%
• iTunes IN THE CLOUD!!!: 5%
• Any mention of the iPhone other than to crow about sales numbers: 10%
  • A redesigned iPhone that corrects the DeathGrippe®: .1%
  • An announcement of the iPhone 5: .00001%
  • iPhone on Verizon: Oh ain’t you precious.
• Any mention of the iPad other than to crow about sales numbers: 5%
  • iPad updates: 1%
  • iPad Nano/iPod Touch Maximo: .01%

As always, these numbers are based on my extensive discussions with my exclusive Apple sources, namely the leprechaun who lives in Jony Ive’s pocket and the genii who granted Scott Forstall the Evil Eye. Everyone feel free to make your own predictions in the comments.

For those who, for some reason, can’t see the picture there the text is as follows:

NANCY, PAINT MY ?(ALL) FENCE WHITE OR I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT ! DK

So, for background. “DK” is my next-door neighbor. DK is an asshole. DK is the sort of person who massively remodels his house without a singe permit or inspection. DK is the sort of cock-sucker who puts building materials in other people’s trash bin so that the city doesn’t bitch him out for doing so. Basically, he’s a cunt.

The story of the “fence,” it’s really a block wall is this. Many years ago, while my old man was in the hospital dying of cancer and my mother was in the hospital with a perforated intestine. DK took it upon himself to extend the common wall between our properties out to the street, and to stucco and paint my side of it bright white. Just last week we re-painted our side and apparently this has angered the twat. Right now I’m in consultation with the U.N. and the World Court regarding an appropriate response. Early contenders are “Pound sand” and “Make me old man.”

Stay tuned for breaking developments.

What is evil hand disorder?

Evil Hand Disorder is the generic term for a variety of conditions in which an individual’s hand takes on an independent personality, by definition an evil personality. It should be noted that the independent personality manifested by the hand must be a least ten percent more evil that the original host personality to be classified as Evil Hand Disorder. If the entire composite organism is equally evil, then the individual has a condition knows as “being a fucking asshole.”

What causes evil hand disorder?

Evil Hand Disorder can be caused by many different things. Among them:

• Psychotic breakdown
• Transplant from a serial killer
• Absorbing a twin while in the womb
• Gypsy curse
• Demonic possession
• Science run amok

It is important to note that the specific cause of the evil hand will directly affect the way in which it manifests. This F.A.Q. will mainly deal with the common issues.

Will my evil hand try to kill me?

In most cases, no, your evil hand will not actively attempt to slay you. The major exception to this rule is some forms of Gypsy curse where the goal of the curse is to inflict a maximum degree of suffering upon the cursed individual before their horrific demise. In general though, your evil hand has a vested interest in maintaining the health of the “host” individual.

Will my evil hand kill other people?

Oh fuck yes it will. This is basically all evil hands do. Think about it, what else does an evil hand get to do with its time? It can’t eat. It can’t talk. It can indulge in only the most rudimentary forms of sex. Additionally, the average evil hand only has the mental development of a three-year old child, or a small marmoset. They are highly emotional and rarely rational. If you have an evil hand, prepare to learn how to hide a corpse.

How can I peacefully coexist with my evil hand?

First, if your evil hand is the product of a malicious Gypsy curse then you are fucked. You might as well kill yourself now. In other cases, the key to maintaining a harmonious relationship with your evil hand are is observing the “Three Cs”

• Communication
• Compromise
• Concealment

Communication is the first step to having a healthy relationship with your evil hand. Often, the first impulse that someone diagnosed with EHD has is to ignore it. The urge to pretend that your new companion for life doesn’t exist can be very strong. You must overcome that impulse and engage in an open and honest dialog with your appendage.

Compromise is the heart of a healthy relationship with your evil hand. Establish clear and firm boundaries regarding who your hand may kill, and when it may manifest itself. Many an individual with EHD has failed to establish proper boundaries with their hand, only to wake up in a pool of their significant other’s blood. don’t let this happen to you. In the same token, recognize that your hand has needs too. You may find hacking hobos and prostitutes into a fine mince distasteful, but that is the sweet, sweet release that allows an evil hand to make it through the day. Seriously, it’s like evil hand heroin.

For the love of Satan, don’t let anyone ever discover that you have an evil hand! It may be tempting to seek the advice of a family doctor, the scientific community or a member of the clergy, but please reconsider. The most common result will be incarceration, vivisection, or burning at the stake.

It may be tempting to attempt to remove your evil hand, possibly via the use of a table saw or large axe. Don’t attempt this! At best your evil hand will sense your intentions and rebel. At worst you will succeed and your hand will take on an independent existence. If you thought your hand was evil now, wait until you’ve cut its feet off.

Can I have sex with my evil hand?

I wouldn’t advise it, and you are a sick mother-fucker for thinking of it. In all seriousness, you would willingly allow something called an “evil hand” near your genitals? Go play in traffic, you’ll have better odds.

Closing thoughts:

I hope that you have found the answers above useful. Remember that, with a little care and understanding, having an evil hand can be a rich and rewarding experience. The best of luck to you both.