Humor « The Angry Drunk

Apple Special Event Predictions

By The Angry Drunk

For those who are unaware, Apple is holding a special event on September 1st, just like they do every September. Not being one to be left out of the fun, here’s my take on the chances of various rumors coming to pass.

Continue reading Apple Special Event Predictions

Ode to the Incompetent

By The Angry Drunk

I love infomercials that use this meme. “Oh lordy, performing this simple everyday task is so hard!”

I Get Mail (Sort of)

By The Angry Drunk

Today, when I came to I was informed that the following epistle was left on one of the family vehicle’s windshield last night

For those who, for some reason, can’t see the picture there the text is as follows:

NANCY,

PAINT MY ?(ALL) FENCE

WHITE OR I WILL

SEE YOU IN COURT !

DK

So, for background. “DK” is my next-door neighbor. DK is an asshole. DK is the sort of person who massively remodels his house without a singe permit or inspection. DK is the sort of cock-sucker who puts building materials in other people’s trash bin so that the city doesn’t bitch him out for doing so. Basically, he’s a cunt.

The story of the “fence,” it’s really a block wall is this. Many years ago, while my old man was in the hospital dying of cancer and my mother was in the hospital with a perforated intestine. DK took it upon himself to extend the common wall between our properties out to the street, and to stucco and paint my side of it

Continue reading I Get Mail (Sort Of)

A Typical Day at the Office

By The Angry Drunk

At least the office in my mind.

FAQ: Coping With an Evil Hand

By The Angry Drunk

It’s time for me to give back to the community. So I’m going to provide some information about a condition that has affected me personally, and probably has affected many of my readers: Evil Hand Disorder (EHD). EHD is a very personal disorder, so I’d like to thank the many anonymous contributers to this F.A.Q. Their courage is inspiring.

Continue reading FAQ: Coping With an Evil Hand

I Think I Own One of These

By The Angry Drunk

And really; isn’t it the profanity that counts.

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn’t Fucking Work

Want

By The Angry Drunk

I want one of these. A blaze of gunfire would actually make me want to get up in the morning.

“Doesn’t That Make You a Little Weazy?”

By The Angry Drunk

Continuing in the fine Gawker Media tradition of posting any old crap as long as it gets hits, The Consumerist today brings us the breaking news that people sell bull cocks as dog treats. Shocking, I know. In lieu of commentary, I bring you the sage words of Tom Waits.

I was a little shocked! I know you can get just about ANYTHING in this world. You can get a whale’s pancreas if you’d want one! I can get you one! But com’on, a bull’s penis! How busy they were their whole lives. And they throw it to a dog, like that, for a snack! Now, are they available here in the Los Angeles area? They are, aren’t they? Doesn’t that make you a little weazy? Makes you wanna live a long time.

Yes, Tom, yes it does.

What the Shit!?!

By The Angry Drunk

There is no part of this story from The Consumerist that I don’t find amusing. How pathetic is it to steal a pill that just makes you crap yourself when you eat that second Texas Double Whopper. Here’s an idea, eat less, then you can afford the pills; but wait, then you won’t need the pills. I guess there are worse implications…what if greasy fat-person shit is an up-and-coming ingredient in meth? The mind boggles.