With another Apple event a mere twenty-four hours away, it’s time to slap on my prognostication turban and astound and amaze my three remaining readers by predicting the response to Apple’s announcement — whatever the fuck it happens to be.
- Within minutes The Usual Suspects will flood Twitter and the blogosphere with self-congratulatory (and self-masturbatory) posts crowing how well-informed they were in predicting whatever the fuck Tim Cook pulls out of his ass. These posts will conveniently ignore any predictions that don’t come to pass. Careful analysis of these “predictions” will show that they are all nothing more than a rehash of John Gruber’s musings, Wall Street Journal articles and Dalrymplean “yeps”.
- Blogs that cater to the jackass Wall Street contingent will drum up some acephalic lackwit of an “analyst” to claim that whatever Apple announced / didn’t announce shows a lack of “innovation” most likely do to a failure on Tim Cook’s part to ritualistically fellate the rotting corpse of Steve Jobs currently stored on level B-5 at 1 Infinite Loop.
- The gadget bloggers will throw conniption fits that whatever their pet technology wasn’t included in the announced product(s). These fuckwits will ignore the fact that there isn’t any actual market for whatever buzzword is getting them hard and throbby this week. They will threaten to flounce off to Microsoft / Android / whatever, but we all know they’ll be waiting in line outside and Apple Store on release day.
- I will weep softly for the future of humanity while drinking myself into a coma1.
To be fair, that happens pretty much every night. ↩