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Six Signs That The iPad Review You’re Reading is Crap

The following is a list of signs that the iPad review that you’re reading was written by a tool, or an ignoramus, possibly both. I’m not referring to any specific reviews, but to general trends of asshattery. Disclaimer: I do not yet have an iPad to perform my own critical analysis. Mine is still waiting in FCC approval limbo.

  1. Any reference to Apple’s Draconian Control©. Really, we get it you fucking freetards, Apple is the new big bad evil empire. Go buy a fucking Android device along with the rest of the dirt eaters.

  2. Complaints that the iPad screen is a “smudge magnet.” Piss off you greasy-fingered fuck. Name me one glass surfaced display that doesn’t gather smudges like Richard Stallman gathers toe-jam. Wash your hands and quit your bitchin’.

  3. Complaints that the iPad is “heavy for an eReader.” Hey lackwit, show me where Apple is marketing the iPad as an “eReader.” You know what the iPad is light for? It’s light for a fucking laptop alternative. Do some curls and build up the strength in your arms you pansies.

  4. Complaints about “glare.” I’m almost sympathetic to the people who complain about glare when using Apple laptops or iMacs. I get it, sometimes the best position for removing glare with those displays is untenable. But with the iPad I have no sympathy. Finding a non-glare-inducing reading angle is a simple matter of flexing those delicate wrists. As an aside, I love watching people wildly flailing about to “prove” that the iPad (and related displays) are “unusable.” They remind me of commercials where they “prove” that WonderGizmo2000© is better than than the competition by having some actress flail about like Katherine Hepburn on methamphetamine while trying to perform some simple household chore.

  5. Complaints that the iPad lacks features that were never announced in the first place. Review the product Apple built you tools, not the one that you invented in your head. Also, THERE IS NO CAMERA. THE CAMERA IS A LIE.

  6. Complaints about the egregious price of iPad apps. Die in a fire you cheap fucks.

There you have it. Six signs that the iPad review that you’re reading is shit. Forewarned is foreskinned.