Six Signs That the iPad Review You’re Reading Is Crap

April 5th, 2010, by The Angry Drunk

The fol­low­ing is a list of signs that the iPad review that you’re read­ing was writ­ten by a tool, or an igno­ra­mus, pos­si­bly both. I’m not refer­ring to any spe­cific reviews, but to gen­eral trends of ass­hat­tery. Disclaimer: I do not yet have an iPad to per­form my own crit­i­cal analy­sis. Mine is still wait­ing in FCC approval limbo.

1. Any ref­er­ence to Apple’s Draconian Control™. Really, we get it you fuck­ing free­tards, Apple is the new big bad evil empire. Go buy a fuck­ing Android device along with the rest of the dirt eaters.

2. Complaints that the iPad screen is a “smudge mag­net.” Piss off you greasy-fingered fuck. Name me one glass sur­faced dis­play that doesn’t gather smudges like Richard Stallman gath­ers toe-jam. Wash your hands and quit your bitchin’.

3. Complaints that the iPad is “heavy for an eReader.” Hey lack­wit, show me where Apple is mar­ket­ing the iPad as an “eReader.” You know what the iPad is light for? It’s light for a fuck­ing lap­top alter­na­tive. Do some curls and build up the strength in your arms you pansies.

4. Complaints about “glare.” I’m almost sym­pa­thetic to the peo­ple who com­plain about glare when using Apple lap­tops or iMacs. I get it, some­times the best posi­tion for remov­ing glare with those dis­plays is unten­able. But with the iPad I have no sym­pa­thy. Finding a non-glare-inducing read­ing angle is a sim­ple mat­ter of flex­ing those del­i­cate wrists. As an aside, I love watch­ing peo­ple wildly flail­ing about to “prove” that the iPad (and related dis­plays) are “unus­able.” They remind me of com­mer­cials where they “prove” that WonderGizmo2000® is bet­ter than than the com­pe­ti­tion by hav­ing some actress flail about like Katherine Hepburn on metham­phet­a­mine while try­ing to per­form some sim­ple house­hold chore.

5. Complaints that the iPad lacks fea­tures that were never announced in the first place. Review the prod­uct Apple built you tools, not the one that you invented in your head. Also, THERE IS NO CAMERA. THE CAMERA IS A LIE.

6. Complaints about the egre­gious price of iPad apps. Die in a fire you cheap fucks.

There you have it. Six signs that the iPad review that you’re read­ing is shit. Forewarned is foreskinned.

32 comments - (Comments closed)
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  • http://twitter.com/StirlingHewitt dillinger23

    Excellent List

  • http://twitter.com/dwarfland dwarfland

    you for­got the first and most impor­tant warn­ing sign: 0. The reviewer’s name is Paul Thurrott.

  • http://esthermofet.com esther­mofet

    Awesome list.

    The eReader thing really gets me… because I’m already so fuck­ing tired of peo­ple com­par­ing this thing to what­ever single-purpose prod­uct or crappy net­book they spent their money on (like my Cow Orkers).

    If you want your head to explode — and, hey, who doesn’t like a bit of an explodey-head once in a while — go read the Consumer Reports tech blog’s “unbi­ased” reviews of the iPad. They seem to reach whole new lows of mouth-breathing, logic-challenged douchebag­gery.

    I opted for the WiFi-only model — I’m patient enough to use my own WiFi con­nec­tion or to seek out a free one rather than spend the extra money on a data plan.

  • http://crankygeek.com Jack Brewster

    Just read Kmiec’s POS “real” review (via @ianbetteridge and @bynkii) and noticed that you also for­got to include “refers to the iPad as a big iPhone.“

    He lost me when he said the iPad lit­er­ally does the same things as the iPhone. I had no idea you could make phone calls on the iPad.

  • joe c

    I never got peo­ple who com­plain about price. It’s like their announc­ing to the world they’re either poor or cheap.

  • http://www.theangrydrunk.com The Angry Drunk

    I sup­pose that that “argu­ment” is so lame I didn’t even think about it. It’s like the iPad’s per­sonal Godwin’s Law.

  • http://mangochut.net/ man­gochut­ney

    One review that con­tains all six signs: Pau Thurrott’s.

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=9017242 Krista Osterberg Parmelee

    “They remind me of com­mer­cials where they “prove” that WonderGizmo2000® is bet­ter than than the com­pe­ti­tion by hav­ing some actress flail about like Katherine Hepburn on metham­phet­a­mine while try­ing to per­form some sim­ple house­hold chore.” BWAHAHAHA!

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=9017242 Krista Osterberg Parmelee

    “They remind me of com­mer­cials where they “prove” that WonderGizmo2000® is bet­ter than than the com­pe­ti­tion by hav­ing some actress flail about like Katherine Hepburn on metham­phet­a­mine while try­ing to per­form some sim­ple house­hold chore.” BWAHAHAHA!

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  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=746492945 Mark Thomas Stone

    I totally reposted this with full credit…but for me, it’s the 16 gig stor­age. There are sure to be bet­ter mod­els that will make me give in to my techno-lust, but it isn’t out there yet…but they almost had me with “Comic books look absolutely amazing”

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=746492945 Mark Thomas Stone

    I totally reposted this with full credit…but for me, it’s the 16 gig stor­age. There are sure to be bet­ter mod­els that will make me give in to my techno-lust, but it isn’t out there yet…but they almost had me with “Comic books look absolutely amazing”

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=718094082 Darby Lines

    16GB is the small­est capac­ity avail­able. 64GB is the top end.

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=718094082 Darby Lines

    16GB is the small­est capac­ity avail­able. 64GB is the top end.

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=718094082 Darby Lines

    @Krista: You know my man Billy Mays never needed a spas­tic gimp to show how the infe­rior the com­pe­ti­tion. All he ever needed was a bot­tle of Just for Men and the POWER OF OXYCLEAN!!!

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=718094082 Darby Lines

    @Krista: You know my man Billy Mays never needed a spas­tic gimp to show how the infe­rior the com­pe­ti­tion. All he ever needed was a bot­tle of Just for Men and the POWER OF OXYCLEAN!!!

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=794951384 Michael Swaffar

    It could cure can­cer but if it doesn’t sup­port what­ever ran­dom func­tion some dip­shit thinks is essen­tial it gets panned…

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=794951384 Michael Swaffar

    It could cure can­cer but if it doesn’t sup­port what­ever ran­dom func­tion some dip­shit thinks is essen­tial it gets panned…

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=794951384 Michael Swaffar

    are you hold­ing out for the 3g one?

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=794951384 Michael Swaffar

    are you hold­ing out for the 3g one?

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=746492945 Mark Thomas Stone

    USB and 160 net­book sized hard drive and I would be in. Other than OSX it would be my first apple pur­chase in about 10 years.

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=746492945 Mark Thomas Stone

    USB and 160 net­book sized hard drive and I would be in. Other than OSX it would be my first apple pur­chase in about 10 years.

  • Gatesbasher

    You for­got:

    “256 MB of RAM isn’t nearly enough!“

    Then, faced with peo­ple hap­pily using the device for all the func­tions it was designed for:

    “That just shows they’re clue­less n00bz! If they were doing it right, it’d take at least 2 GB!!”

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=1422475523 James Donno

    I can’t wait to get one, as I do the vast major­ity of web brows­ing via the couch. I’ll be wait­ing a year for them to work the kinks out and pos­si­bly give it more stor­age. Five hun­dred bucks is a lot of coin for the low end model. At that price it’s def­i­nitely a lux­ury con­sump­tion only device. I’ll be envi­ous of the folks that get one, but unlike my mac­book, I can live with­out one for now.

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=1422475523 James Donno

    I can’t wait to get one, as I do the vast major­ity of web brows­ing via the couch. I’ll be wait­ing a year for them to work the kinks out and pos­si­bly give it more stor­age. Five hun­dred bucks is a lot of coin for the low end model. At that price it’s def­i­nitely a lux­ury con­sump­tion only device. I’ll be envi­ous of the folks that get one, but unlike my mac­book, I can live with­out one for now.

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=746492945 Mark Thomas Stone

    HP’s Slate has SDHC abil­ity up to 128 gigs and USB, but the hdd is still just 64 gigs on the top end. I am also going to wait on the stor­age thing. I have sea­son one of SG1 on my Blackberry right now, I think that my tablet pur­chase, when it hap­pens, needs to up the ante over my RIM device a lit­tle more sig­nif­i­cantly. Moore’s Suggestion (because you really can’t call it Moore’s LAW at this point, right?) would lead me to believe that in 16 to 20 mon­hts the thing I want will be a real thing.

  • http://facebook.com/profile.php?id=746492945 Mark Thomas Stone

    HP’s Slate has SDHC abil­ity up to 128 gigs and USB, but the hdd is still just 64 gigs on the top end. I am also going to wait on the stor­age thing. I have sea­son one of SG1 on my Blackberry right now, I think that my tablet pur­chase, when it hap­pens, needs to up the ante over my RIM device a lit­tle more sig­nif­i­cantly. Moore’s Suggestion (because you really can’t call it Moore’s LAW at this point, right?) would lead me to believe that in 16 to 20 mon­hts the thing I want will be a real thing.

  • http://twitter.com/larryv Lawrence Velázquez

    Bitching about app prices is my pet peeve. Despite their stu­pid­ity, I sus­pect that idiots who com­plain about the price of the iPad itself know that the device is worth some­thing and thus should cost money. Other idiots’ asser­tions that apps (or any soft­ware on any plat­form) aren’t worth $5 or $10 are insult­ing to the peo­ple who put in a shit­load of time to develop the software.

  • Arrgh!

    Right as rain, but FOR FUCK’S SAKE learn to write “you’re” instead of “your” when you’re con­tract­ing FUCKING “you” and “are”

  • http://www.theangrydrunk.com The Angry Drunk

    bite me

  • Arrgh!

    Right as rain, but FOR FUCK’S SAKE learn to write “you’re” instead of “your” when you’re con­tract­ing FUCKING “you” and “are”

  • http://www.theangrydrunk.com The Angry Drunk

    bite me