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I love infomercials that use this meme. “Oh lordy, performing this simple everyday task is so hard!”
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 Amidst the generic sense of rage that the whole JizzmodoPhone debacle has engendered in me, I find myself amused by one thing. I find it hilarious that a large chunk of the tech media now uncritically accepts that the phone that Jizzmodo has in it’s possession is completely, and without any possibility of change, the phone that Apple will introduce this summer. Let’s analyze this assumption in detail. First, let’s go ahead and assume that this phone isn’t some sort of nefarious Apple PR stunt (because it isn’t you rubes), and let’s further assume that it is a prototype of a future Apple iPhone. Why is it, other than sheer ignorance, that people assume that this phone, in it’s exact condition, is the next generation iPhone? Of course, the answer is actually fairly simple. Most “tech journalists” have about as much understanding of actual technology as my cocker spaniel. For the uninitiated, there are three general areas that would need to be prototyped for a new iPhone: the electronics, the operating system and the remaining hardware. In a normal manufacturing process all three of these items would be prototyped separately with a very small number of final prototypes representing I’m not going to go into specifics about what happened, or the timeline of events. If you follow Mac news you know what I’m talking about, if you don’t then here is a quick rundown. Jizzmodo (I hereby refuse to ever type Gizmodo again) posted a story with details and pictures of a purported prototype next-generation iPhone. It was then revealed that Jizzmodo paid an unnamed party who had stolen (yes, stolen) the phone from an Apple engineer for the device. Jizzmodo then felt compelled to publicly humiliate the poor bastard who had the phone stolen from him. Jizzmodo’s behavior in this matter has been reprehensible, and throughout has been laden with the douchebag attitude that they seem to think passes for wit. And let’s be absolutely clear here. This isn’t an “Apple’s tyrannical secrecy” issue here. It could be any company’s product and I would feel the same way about the shit-smears at Jizz. Because, in the end, it’s not about the leak. I mean, whoop-ti-fucking-do, we now have “confirmation” of a feature set that anyone with a halfway functioning pre-frontal cortex could have predicted. And if you think that the case is something that Jonny Ive would I remember the days when sites that posted unsubstantiated rumors about Apple products were a source of humor at best, and heaped with scorn and derision at the worst. I also remember when Apple would sue them into oblivion. I miss those days.
Whenever you feel the need to ask why Apple does shit like fuck-banning Flash or Flash based apps, or whenever you want to know why Apple doesn’t produce a particular model of computer, reflect upon the above quote from Tim Cook. This couldn’t be more obvious if Apple wrote it in 360 pt. red type on their home page. Update
As most people reading this site know, Apple held an event last Thursday to announce iPhone OS 4.0 and preview some of it’s features. Now that I’ve had some time to digest the announcement I’ll relay my thoughts. Keeping in mind that the message being delivered last Thursday was meant as much for developers as it was for end users; I thought that, overall, iPhone OS 4.0 looks like a solid release. Much like OS 3.0 before it, iPhone OS 4.0 contains few, if any, groundbreaking new interface metaphors or user features. Most of the new features will really only make their mark in the form of the applications that make use of them, but they will have a large impact on the iPhone/iPod Touch/iPad experience. Continue reading Thoughts on iPhone OS 4.0 While I grind out the soul crushing weeks until I can actually have my iPad I’ve been waiting for that one special iPad article that would unleash my creative rage. The blog post with that certain something that would push it above the general morass of inanity that we’ll be screaming about on Ye Olde Angry Mac Bastards podcast this week. Thank Satan for that cranky old fuckwit Dave Winer for stepping up to the plate for me. The headline is: Is iPad a game-changer? Of course, with that headline you know you’re in for a world of stupid. First we have the classic troll method of presenting your thesis in the form of the negative response to the question you’ve posed. Of course Dave Winer doesn’t think that the iPad is a game changer, only a drooling fool would ever expect that. Also, side note to Dave: “is the iPad a game changer?” Fuck man, articles aren’t just the things that you pretend to read Playboy for! Second, who gives a monkey’s fuck if the iPad is a “game-changer”? What the fuck is a “game-changer” anyway. Try evaluating the iPad based on something other than strawman Mental Health Groups Not So Crazy About Burger King Ad. Also, they have no sense of humor. Fuck it, now I want a Whopper. The following is a list of signs that the iPad review that you’re reading was written by a tool, or an ignoramus, possibly both. I’m not referring to any specific reviews, but to general trends of asshattery. Disclaimer: I do not yet have an iPad to perform my own critical analysis. Mine is still waiting in FCC approval limbo. 1. Any reference to Apple’s Draconian Control™. Really, we get it you fucking freetards, Apple is the new big bad evil empire. Go buy a fucking Android device along with the rest of the dirt eaters. 2. Complaints that the iPad screen is a “smudge magnet.” Piss off you greasy-fingered fuck. Name me one glass surfaced display that doesn’t gather smudges like Richard Stallman gathers toe-jam. Wash your hands and quit your bitchin’. 3. Complaints that the iPad is “heavy for an eReader.” Hey lackwit, show me where Apple is marketing the iPad as an “eReader.” You know what the iPad is light for? It’s light for a fucking laptop alternative. Do some curls and build up the strength in your arms you pansies. 4. Complaints about “glare.” I’m almost sympathetic to the people who complain about glare when using Continue reading Six Signs That the iPad Review You’re Reading Is Crap |
 
 
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