That’s Right Bitches.

posterous

Ode to the Incompetent

I love infomer­cials that use this meme. “Oh lordy, per­form­ing this sim­ple every­day task is so hard!”

Atomic iPhone

Amidst the generic sense of rage that the whole JizzmodoPhone deba­cle has engen­dered in me, I find myself amused by one thing. I find it hilar­i­ous that a large chunk of the tech media now uncrit­i­cally accepts that the phone that Jizzmodo has in it’s pos­ses­sion is com­pletely, and with­out any pos­si­bil­ity of change, the phone that Apple will intro­duce this summer.

Let’s ana­lyze this assump­tion in detail. First, let’s go ahead and assume that this phone isn’t some sort of nefar­i­ous Apple PR stunt (because it isn’t you rubes), and let’s fur­ther assume that it is a pro­to­type of a future Apple iPhone. Why is it, other than sheer igno­rance, that peo­ple assume that this phone, in it’s exact con­di­tion, is the next gen­er­a­tion iPhone?

Of course, the answer is actu­ally fairly sim­ple. Most “tech jour­nal­ists” have about as much under­stand­ing of actual tech­nol­ogy as my cocker spaniel. For the unini­ti­ated, there are three gen­eral areas that would need to be pro­to­typed for a new iPhone: the elec­tron­ics, the oper­at­ing sys­tem and the remain­ing hard­ware. In a nor­mal man­u­fac­tur­ing process all three of these items would be pro­to­typed sep­a­rately with a very small num­ber of final pro­to­types rep­re­sent­ing the

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Fuck Jizzmodo

I’m not going to go into specifics about what hap­pened, or the time­line of events. If you fol­low Mac news you know what I’m talk­ing about, if you don’t then here is a quick run­down. Jizzmodo (I hereby refuse to ever type Gizmodo again) posted a story with details and pic­tures of a pur­ported pro­to­type next-generation iPhone. It was then revealed that Jizzmodo paid an unnamed party who had stolen (yes, stolen) the phone from an Apple engi­neer for the device. Jizzmodo then felt com­pelled to pub­licly humil­i­ate the poor bas­tard who had the phone stolen from him.

Jizzmodo’s behav­ior in this mat­ter has been rep­re­hen­si­ble, and through­out has been laden with the douchebag atti­tude that they seem to think passes for wit. And let’s be absolutely clear here. This isn’t an “Apple’s tyran­ni­cal secrecy” issue here. It could be any company’s prod­uct and I would feel the same way about the shit-smears at Jizz. Because, in the end, it’s not about the leak. I mean, whoop-ti-fucking-do, we now have “con­fir­ma­tion” of a fea­ture set that any­one with a halfway func­tion­ing pre-frontal cor­tex could have pre­dicted. And if you think that the case is some­thing that Jonny Ive would put

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Rumors

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I remem­ber the days when sites that posted unsub­stan­ti­ated rumors about Apple prod­ucts were a source of humor at best, and heaped with scorn and deri­sion at the worst. I also remem­ber when Apple would sue them into obliv­ion. I miss those days.

DRACONIAN CONTROL

We believe that we need to own and con­trol the pri­mary tech­nolo­gies behind the prod­ucts we make, and par­tic­i­pâté only in mar­kets where we can make a sig­nif­i­cant contribution.

Tim Cook, Apple COO

Whenever you feel the need to ask why Apple does shit like fuck-banning Flash or Flash based apps, or when­ever you want to know why Apple doesn’t pro­duce a par­tic­u­lar model of com­puter, reflect upon the above quote from Tim Cook. This couldn’t be more obvi­ous if Apple wrote it in 360 pt. red type on their home page.

Update

Thoughts on iPhone OS 4.0

As most peo­ple read­ing this site know, Apple held an event last Thursday to announce iPhone OS 4.0 and pre­view some of it’s fea­tures. Now that I’ve had some time to digest the announce­ment I’ll relay my thoughts. Keeping in mind that the mes­sage being deliv­ered last Thursday was meant as much for devel­op­ers as it was for end users; I thought that, over­all, iPhone OS 4.0 looks like a solid release. Much like OS 3.0 before it, iPhone OS 4.0 con­tains few, if any, ground­break­ing new inter­face metaphors or user fea­tures. Most of the new fea­tures will really only make their mark in the form of the appli­ca­tions that make use of them, but they will have a large impact on the iPhone/iPod Touch/iPad experience.


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Dave Winer Is Terminally Confused

While I grind out the soul crush­ing weeks until I can actu­ally have my iPad I’ve been wait­ing for that one spe­cial iPad arti­cle that would unleash my cre­ative rage. The blog post with that cer­tain some­thing that would push it above the gen­eral morass of inanity that we’ll be scream­ing about on Ye Olde Angry Mac Bastards pod­cast this week. Thank Satan for that cranky old fuck­wit Dave Winer for step­ping up to the plate for me. The head­line is: Is iPad a game-changer?

Of course, with that head­line you know you’re in for a world of stu­pid. First we have the clas­sic troll method of pre­sent­ing your the­sis in the form of the neg­a­tive response to the ques­tion you’ve posed. Of course Dave Winer doesn’t think that the iPad is a game changer, only a drool­ing fool would ever expect that. Also, side note to Dave: “is the iPad a game changer?” Fuck man, arti­cles aren’t just the things that you pre­tend to read Playboy for! Second, who gives a monkey’s fuck if the iPad is a “game-changer”? What the fuck is a “game-changer” any­way. Try eval­u­at­ing the iPad based on some­thing other than straw­man arguments

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Humorless Tools.

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Mental Health Groups Not So Crazy About Burger King Ad. Also, they have no sense of humor. Fuck it, now I want a Whopper.

Six Signs That the iPad Review You’re Reading Is Crap

The fol­low­ing is a list of signs that the iPad review that you’re read­ing was writ­ten by a tool, or an igno­ra­mus, pos­si­bly both. I’m not refer­ring to any spe­cific reviews, but to gen­eral trends of ass­hat­tery. Disclaimer: I do not yet have an iPad to per­form my own crit­i­cal analy­sis. Mine is still wait­ing in FCC approval limbo.

1. Any ref­er­ence to Apple’s Draconian Control™. Really, we get it you fuck­ing free­tards, Apple is the new big bad evil empire. Go buy a fuck­ing Android device along with the rest of the dirt eaters.

2. Complaints that the iPad screen is a “smudge mag­net.” Piss off you greasy-fingered fuck. Name me one glass sur­faced dis­play that doesn’t gather smudges like Richard Stallman gath­ers toe-jam. Wash your hands and quit your bitchin’.

3. Complaints that the iPad is “heavy for an eReader.” Hey lack­wit, show me where Apple is mar­ket­ing the iPad as an “eReader.” You know what the iPad is light for? It’s light for a fuck­ing lap­top alter­na­tive. Do some curls and build up the strength in your arms you pansies.

4. Complaints about “glare.” I’m almost sym­pa­thetic to the peo­ple who com­plain about glare when using Apple

Continue read­ing Six Signs That the iPad Review You’re Reading Is Crap