Tabletard Speculation Part Eleventy Billion

I’m hun­gover and cranky, and I’m utterly tired of iTabet/Slate/Whateverthefuck spec­u­la­tion. Today, in par­tic­u­lar, I’m irri­tated at this point­less exer­cise posted to Macworld a few days ago (actu­ally it orig­i­nated at Computerworld, but I’m too lazy to dig up the link.) The gist of the arti­cle is two “ana­lysts” giv­ing rea­sons why Apple will, nay must, announce a tablet this month. Bear in mind, I’m not offer­ing any spec­u­la­tion or com­men­tary on whether Apple will or won’t announce the Holy Grailblet. I’m com­ment­ing solely on the inane rea­sons given by the “analysts.”

“The technology’s ready.”

So the fuck what? Flying jet-car tech­nol­ogy is ready too, where’s my fly­ing jet-car Ford?!?

“E-book read­ers are hot.”

Good gods do the anal­tards love this one. Niche prod­uct is hot, where by “hot” we mean pop­u­lar with New Media Douchebags not real peo­ple, so damn the tor­pe­does full speed ahead. The Tablets must flow!!!

“Tablets are fun, com­put­ers are not.”

You know what else is fun you mooks? Unicorns. And hook­ers. Fuck it Apple, where is my hooker on a unicorn?!?

“A tablet is Apple’s next step toward world dom­i­na­tion.”

Oh yeah baby, we’re liv­ing under Highlander rules now. Here’s a clue you feck­less retards, Apple isn’t inter­ested in “world dom­i­na­tion.” They’re inter­ested in mak­ing oodles of cash.

Feh, a pox on the whole thing. For the love of God Apple, announce this thing so I don’t have to read any more of this tripe.