Five Reasons Michael Scalisi Should Shut His Fucking Trap

Well, it’s Tuesday so it must be time for the shit-mongers over at PC World to expel another worth­less bit of link-bait designed to a) get reprinted in Macworld, and b) bring in the iPhone fanat­ics. This week’s fecal dis­ser­ta­tion is titled 5 Reasons It’s Time For a Verizon iPhone by Michael Scalisi. There isn’t actu­ally a point to this colo-rectal dis­charge, so let’s get right into the defen­es­tra­tion, point by point.

It would pro­vide a major boost to iPhone sales: For a good num­ber of peo­ple (whom I used to be one of), the iPhone is appeal­ing, but AT&T is a deal breaker. Providing a sec­ond provider would cap­ture these cus­tomers. Additionally, exist­ing iPhone cus­tomers want­ing to upgrade to the 3GS might find that jump­ing from AT&T to Verizon pro­vides the per­fect excuse to get a new phone with a new contract.

This is the only one of Scalisi’s anal off­spring that has even a hint of rela­tion to real­ity, and it’s so self – fuck­ing – evi­dent as to be a gods damned tau­tol­ogy. Yes, Michael, offer­ing the iPhone on another provider would increase the poten­tial mar­ket. Aren’t you a bright boy. Do you want a gold fuck­ing star?

MMS: With the newest iPhone soft­ware, AT&T is now the weak link when it comes to the lack MMS on the iPhone. Surely Verizon, need­ing to pro­vide fea­tures to entice cus­tomers, would offer Multimedia Messaging Services.

MMS! What fuck­ing planet are you from Michael? Offering the iPhone on Verizon would force AT&T to enable MMS? You mean, like they have already com­mit­ted to doing? Satan’s taint you’re a moron.

Tethering: As with MMS, we don’t know for sure that Verizon would offer teth­er­ing. However, for the sake of com­pe­ti­tion, I’m bet­ting they would. To remain com­pet­i­tive, AT&T would have to fol­low suit.

See. Fucking. Above.

Dropped Calls: When a guy like wine guru Gary Vaynerchuck takes the time to com­plain about AT&T in a video blog, you know there’s an issue. Verizon cus­tomers don’t seem to suf­fer nearly as badly from dropped calls.

Who in the ever­last­ing titty – fuck is Gary Vaynerchuck, and why the Christ should I care about his video blog? More to the point, Michael, you don’t know that the Verizon net­work wouldn’t suf­fer the same fate as AT&T’s after being del­uged by the flood of hip­ster douchebags updat­ing the Twitter sta­tus. You, just like every cock – suck­ing fuck­tard who makes this claim, are just assum­ing that things would mag­i­cally be bet­ter on a non – AT&T net­work. Well, I am assum­ing that my blood pres­sure would go down forty points if you would immo­late your­self. Jump on top of that.

Voice Mail Delays: I know I’m not alone in this. On a good num­ber of occa­sions, some­one will call and leave me a mes­sage. Hours later, the mes­sage will finally show up in visual voice­mail. Sometimes the mes­sages are impor­tant and time sen­si­tive. This fea­ture is far too crit­i­cal to have this kind of delay. We don’t know that Verizon wouldn’t screw this up too, but I’d be will­ing to give them a shot.

Buddha’s ball – sack, I barely have the will to even answer this turd. Just like with points two and three, Michael has basi­cally restated the above point. And, in both cases, the “points” are solely based on Verizon’s patented uni­corn jiz­zum technology.

Honestly, PC World, this exer­cise in anal self – abuse is a fuck­ing embar­rass­ment. Stop, before some­one is forced to stop you.