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Five Reasons Michael Scalisi Should Shut His Fucking Trap

Well, it’s Tuesday so it must be time for the shit-mongers over at PC World to expel another worthless bit of link-bait designed to a) get reprinted in Macworld, and b) bring in the iPhone fanatics. This week’s fecal dissertation is titled 5 Reasons It’s Time For a Verizon iPhone by Michael Scalisi. There isn’t actually a point to this colo-rectal discharge, so let’s get right into the defenestration, point by point.

It would provide a major boost to iPhone sales: For a good number of people (whom I used to be one of), the iPhone is appealing, but AT&T is a deal breaker. Providing a second provider would capture these customers. Additionally, existing iPhone customers wanting to upgrade to the 3GS might find that jumping from AT&T to Verizon provides the perfect excuse to get a new phone with a new contract.

This is the only one of Scalisi’s anal offspring that has even a hint of relation to reality, and it’s so self–fucking–evident as to be a gods damned tautology. Yes, Michael, offering the iPhone on another provider would increase the potential market. Aren’t you a bright boy. Do you want a gold fucking star?

MMS: With the newest iPhone software, AT&T is now the weak link when it comes to the lack MMS on the iPhone. Surely Verizon, needing to provide features to entice customers, would offer Multimedia Messaging Services.

MMS! What fucking planet are you from Michael? Offering the iPhone on Verizon would force AT&T to enable MMS? You mean, like they have already committed to doing? Satan’s taint you’re a moron.

Tethering: As with MMS, we don’t know for sure that Verizon would offer tethering. However, for the sake of competition, I’m betting they would. To remain competitive, AT&T would have to follow suit.

See. Fucking. Above.

Dropped Calls: When a guy like wine guru Gary Vaynerchuck takes the time to complain about AT&T in a video blog, you know there’s an issue. Verizon customers don’t seem to suffer nearly as badly from dropped calls.

Who in the everlasting titty–fuck is Gary Vaynerchuck, and why the Christ should I care about his video blog? More to the point, Michael, you don’t know that the Verizon network wouldn’t suffer the same fate as AT&T’s after being deluged by the flood of hipster douchebags updating the Twitter status. You, just like every cock–sucking fucktard who makes this claim, are just assuming that things would magically be better on a non–AT&T network. Well, I am assuming that my blood pressure would go down forty points if you would immolate yourself. Jump on top of that.

Voice Mail Delays: I know I’m not alone in this. On a good number of occasions, someone will call and leave me a message. Hours later, the message will finally show up in visual voicemail. Sometimes the messages are important and time sensitive. This feature is far too critical to have this kind of delay. We don’t know that Verizon wouldn’t screw this up too, but I’d be willing to give them a shot.

Buddha’s ball–sack, I barely have the will to even answer this turd. Just like with points two and three, Michael has basically restated the above point. And, in both cases, the “points” are solely based on Verizon’s patented unicorn jizzum technology.

Honestly, PC World, this exercise in anal self–abuse is a fucking embarrassment. Stop, before someone is forced to stop you.