I write this post with a heavy heart.
Have any of you ever been in the following situation? You know a guy. He’s a smart guy, and you agree with almost all of his opinions, but he’s done or said something so monumentally annoying that you just have to smack him around a bit for it. Well, I’ve just encountered the intertubes version of that.
So, who’s the dipshit in question? I’m glad you asked. It’s “Cousin Avi” of Veritas Nihilum Vincet.
Background time. VNV is a decent enough little blog with a decidedly progressive political bent. I’ve had it in my feed reader for some time, and I quite enjoy reading. Unfortunately, Cousin Avi is apparently as savvy about the internet as his fictional namesake is about the London mob scene.
See, this week I went ahead and switched to Shaun Inman’s nifty new feed reader Fever. For those who’ve somehow missed all the press that Fever has received over the last week, but who still managed to not piss me the fuck off, Fever uses a somewhat unique method of installation. Instead of being a application that you run from your desktop, or something that runs in the cloud (CLOUD!!!) a’la Google Reader, you install Fever to a webserver that you control. In my case the angrydrunk.com webserver.
So Fever, like all newsreaders sends a HTTP referrer string each time it connects to a blog. If you are running a blog and have access to your referrers you’ll see an entry for each connection. For example, here is an entry from my blog stats program (Mint, also by Shuan Inman)
google.com/reader/view/
Pretty simple isn’t it. It just means that a Google Reader user clicked through to a page here. An entry from a Fever user would look much the same, but since Fever runs on my webserver, the originating domain would be www.thangrydrunk.com/fever. If you click that link, since you ain’t me, you’ll see a Fever login screen.
Which brings us to Cousin Avi. My boy Avi reached the login screen, and apparently had a fucking aneurysm. Then, confused and possibly drooling, Avi pokes around the old homestead long enough to find my email address and fires off a half-assed rant at me. Back when the internet first sprang, Athena-like, from Al Gore’s noggin it was considered impolite to publicly post private emails, but fuck that shit. Avi-me-boy opens up with.
So…every once in awhile one of the “referring links” in my blog stats says “Angry drunk dot com / fever”
Slash Fever is some password protected bit of horseshit I’m not permitted to see. So it goes.
So i have a peek at Angry Drunk dot com.
I think…no, I’m certain…I am angrier.
First of all, I want to make a point. Here is a cap of the login screen for Fever:
Fever Login
It may not be obvious here, but there are no less than four links that one may click to take you to either the Fever homepage or Shaun Inman’s page. But let’s ignore that little bit of idiocy.
Avi, I’m so very fucking sorry that my little blog here upset you. No wait, I’m not. Since you didn’t feel the need to comment on any particular bit of content I’ll have to assume that you don’t like the choice of fonts. Well, fuck you. Helvetica rocks.
At this point Avi descends to the standard backup set of insults when someone can’t dredge up any sort of cogent or interesting criticism. “I’m a bigger drunk/angrier guy than you.” Whatever internet tough guy. Come out this hellish desert and I’ll drink you into a stupor, bludgeon you to death, then piss on your corpse. Two can play at the keyboard warrior schtick.
I have to admit, I lied: Avi did offer some bumbling insight into what has drawn his mighty ire.
On closer inspection, you appear to be an obsessed MAC freak.
Jesus. God curses me and I reject the very premise of the obviously hateful cunt. Go figure.
You got me fucknuts, I am utterly obsessed with Media Access Control. Oh, wait, you mean “Mac” as in Macintosh computers? Well, even I admit that I do tend to write about Apple frequently, but then again, I also write about New Media Douchbags, politics and my fucked up finger. Besides what did Apple ever do to you? Did a Powerbook kill your pappy?
Avi then eventually rambles off to an mostly unsatisfactory conclusion, much like his sexual encounters I’d imagine, closing with this gem.
Still tho…what the FUCK is “/fever”?….don’t make come over there all stabby.
Like you’d know, Avi, had you spent the two fucking seconds it takes to click any of the links on the Fever page, Fever is a feed reader. Do you spazz the fuck out when you see that Google is spying on you? Hell, you probably do. And, as for the “stabby,” I have what they call around here an Evil Hand, and it’s getting bored with gutting hobos and hookers.
To conclude, if you’re into progressive politics and atheist rants read the Veritas Nihilum Vincet blog, but for the love of Zoroaster, don’t do anything to confuse or startle the mother-fucker running the joint. He might just draft a strongly worded letter at you.
Oh for fuck's sake. Really? That's the best he's got?
Unrelated: Your new pop-up Share links are very, very sexy. I can recognize most of them when they're sunk in and they're positioned very attractively relative to your posts.
Rory,
Thanks, but I can't take credit for the links. They're coming via SexyBookmarks. And to be completely fair, I was inspired to install the plugin after seeing them in use at Jim Dalrymple's The Loop.
I figured they were coming from somewhere, but they still have a really nice feel. I know you've been playing with some different stuff, and that's the one that I've liked the most so far.
Still don't know how the fuck you came by in the first place….
You TOTALLY missed the backhanded joke on the first note – taking that shit SERIOUSLY utterly obscures the intended tone (you STUPID fat fuck!…is more direct shtick your thing?)
Click on any of the links? Now I have to come over and here and be Fenton Fucking Hardy?
I asked a question, you blithering ball of obese internet obsession. I made a poorly understood (surprise) attempt at humor. We'll never really sort out if it was poorly conceived, because the ignorant uber sensitive bulging, stuttering MacBook freak on the other end decided to turn it into a yammering internet “tough guy” gag. How original.
As tough guys go, you stuttering fuckwit, I'll yank your throat out through your neck. I'll even split the airfare to Taiwan with you with you if you'd like to sort the question out quick. You're on your own hook for medical care and your air ambulance home.
But let's leave that aside for the moment. I might have missed a link, and made a weak attempt at a joke you didn't get…but you've made it personal, you fat, lazy cuntflap.
It's a small world, dickbreath. Don't get your hopes up about my making some dedicated trip to confront your weak fat ass…but I DO travel…and one of these days, you flabby spooge-stained ignoramus, you're gonna take a solid smack in the face and be utterly stumped about WHY you're getting slapped around like a fat piddling bitch even as I ASK YOU, “Do you know why I'm beating you around, you fat fucking ignoramus?”
Until that fine day, you sweaty, staggering fat fuck, enjoy your health.
You put so much effort into your bluster, yet you're easily dismissed because you're a cunt. Swears and threats mean nothing on their own.
Like I'm supposed to take anyone seriously when their own mother named them Rory.
Same deal is open to you, piss bucket. I'll split the airfare with you to GET here. Hospital bills and your extended rehab are on on you.
Avis can't diss on the Rorys. That's the rule.
Can we quit the talk of violence? You're too boring to possibly be threatening.
Well Avi, I gotta hand it to you man, your poor impulse control and anger management issues are truly an inspiration. I was being sincere when I said I really like your blog, but honestly, I couldn't give a rat's fuck what you think of mine. I did figure that there was an even chance you were being facetious, but hey, we take inspiration where we find it. At any rate, don't take this shit so seriously, it's just the internet. Tell you what, I don't have any pressing desire to visit Taiwan, but if we do cross paths I'll be sure to buy you a shot. Deal?
That's only comforting at distance, Rory.
We can debate the missed intent of the original misunderstood gag…but that's already been settled from your perspective, and I've already been slagged off as a result.
Sadly…all I'm left with is the very fact of the backhanded “internet tough guy” cuntflap answer.
Turns out (internet be fucked) I'm perfectly willing to fund your trip over to learn what a pussy I really am…how do people named Rory say?…”Halvsies.”
Taiwan ain't your mother's basement, Rory. You might ask yourself…why would a lawyer CHOOSE to live in Taiwan? What can he DO there that he cannot do at home?
Give it some thought. Come on over. I'll explain to you how unlikely it is that you'll ever recover damages off your pain and suffering as I'm inflicting it.
This is why you don't write uglyass WordPress blogs with your photo up front. I can't take you seriously when I know you wear a hat like that.
Jesus, if you had to move to Taiwan just to get a hooker you must not be an impressive lawyer.
As for that fat Tempe fuckwit, Darby (Christ…one named Rory…the other named DARBY…wtf have have I done to deserve THIS?)…
Darby.
Jesus. No doubt the pissflap has brothers named Lance and Trent.
Arizona. Fuck me. The ONLY good thing about that fucking arid wasteland is that the vultures make digging a hole unnecessary.
Patience, gentlemen…unless you're eager. Offer stands – half the airfare, will meet you at the airport and bring your ambulance with me. Ah, fuck it. I'm a good and decent fella – I'll even show you some highlights before busting you to pieces. It's been many years since anyone was truly and properly fucked up in Taroko Gorge without being hit by a car;..
Shots are fair dinkum.
It's a deal.
Fair 'nuf. Shots, then we can go make fun of the fundies. See, now everyone's happy.
Apparently the last post wouldn't post.
You motherfuckers won't even take contrition!
I SAID: “Shots are fair dinkum.” Next round on me.
I meant every word…I'm not really EAGER. Just willing and able.
You're right. I react poorly to being misunderstood. It's not a good trait in a lawyer (except in rare circumstances where I excel)…but it has certain advantages when it's time for smacking meat. Sadly, there's less of that in practice than I had hoped. It would seem I'm a little desperate, eh?
The offer for half airfare stands. We can scrap or drink – your choice. Either way, you're going home shattered.
I think the problem stems from our shitty writing. When your English is incoherent as it is, it's nearly impossible to determine what you're trying to get across.
“Your.” Oops.
I'd never imagined someone named Rory Marinich picking on my English usage.
Not even sure whether I should reply in Welsh or Ukrainian…not that either of those tortures of the tongue are to be trusted further than I might hurl a waterlogged caber.
Never end a sentence with a preposition, Rory. There are some things up with which I will not put.
You can rag on my aboriginal handcrafted hat all you want.
It's a fucking cool hat, hand made by mountain dwelling bat eaters.
It's never been blooded….and I'm a bad enough motherfucker to be reasonably safe in asserting it never will be.
If it ever is, you can bury it with me.
It's a fucking COOL hat.
Bloody hell, your first name is Kenneth. No wonder you go by Avi online.
Apparently this Rory Marinich feller writes more coherently than you do, so troll all you'd like.
It's a fucking awful hat. It's the hat of children whose lunches are stolen.
You kids fight 'mongst yourselves, I need my passing out time. Avi, you're an ok bloke, we'll have to trade incoherent drunken insults again soon.
Yes, another fine night in the Rageatorium.
D'you have a “No talking to angry trolls” policy on your blog? If this dicking and whining is bugging you, I'll let Kenneth have the last word.
I ain't no troll, bitch. I MEAN EVERY WORD. Right down to the bat eaters, the hat, and the offer of halvsies airfare.
That's pretty much the antithesis of “troll”.
I'm not trying to provoke you, peeflap…I'm trying to educate you. It's not my fault you're stubborn. Sooner or later, though, you'll catch on. I've been more places, speak more languages, hold really VERY impressive academic credentials, and REALLY CAN kick the living shit out of anyone you've ever met face to face.
Not a TROLL. And a seriously bad motherbitch IN or OUT of the courtroom.
And if you ever care to come check up on my bona fides…I simply invite you to do so.
You can't write for shit, though, and you're putting all your bona fides into ranting on a blog.
Need? No sense wishing for that which you're not capable of obtaining.
KNOCK me down? The attempt would be the end of you. The literal fucking END of you.
You think with a mouth like I run about with no one has ever tried?
Son…you're a meat snowball. You haven't the foggiest fucking idea what you're yammering about, and if you're lucky you never will.
Halvsies. Keep it up and I might even offer you free flight. Would you come on over if I did? Free airfare. Meet you at the airport. Shots first, then we'll find out what a puss I am.
If I spring for the airfare, would you like to come over and teach me to mind my manners?
You're just vomiting out words. It's the trolling equivalent of bulemia.
Great fucking tripe on a stick…apparently your shit draws traffic…
The click-thrus are significant.
I'm gonna insult you regularly just for the fucking hits.
You…ummm…cunt faced motherlicker.
What about the boat times?
I showed you my downstairs mixup!
Have you ever drunk Bailey's from a shoe?
I'm a LAWYER. You didn't expect to outWORD me, did you?
Then why did I?
Back to perspective, then…and citations that read (Ibid – Rory).
That's only valid about your mother's kitchen table, junior.
You'll have to do rather more than that if you want to play.
It's fair play to admit you're out of your league…and there's two ways you might sort that out.
1. Admit it and save yourself the trouble.
2. Get buried. It's what I do for a living…but points for sticking it out.
The end's the same, and I don't mind the hits (or the ratty posts from any friends you've dragged along). You're stumbling through tall grass now.
Threads should refresh all the way…not with some “click for more”…”click for more again” options.
If we're gonna have a flame-a-thon, let's not hinder the embers.
For Avi – http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=...
For Angry Drunk – I wonder how many times someone can use “fat” as an insult and expect it to have any type of emotional response. I'm fat… It's not like someone saying “Hey you're fat!” is news to me, let alone emotional . I'm also curious if he has an ongoing Explicit Language Mad Libs booklet for which to pick out cool sounding rants as well. All in all keep up the good work
Alex, I'll take “What is molest little boys without fear of prosecution?” for $200
I get it. Some days, you just need something more than yet another trembling Eton n00b. I bet Taiwan is like a fucking smorgasbord of southeast asian boy colon for you. And really, who wouldn't rather eat choleric sewage that whatever the fuck it is brits call “food”.
But seriously? “I live in Taiwan, so I must be a bad-ass motherfucker?” Not only a drunken inane twat, but geographically challenged to. If you want to impress the ignorant with “I live in Asia, I kick ass like Chuck Norris wishes he could”, then you need to live in Thailand. You know, Muay Thai? Taiwan is the last home of Chiang Kai-Shek and the rest of the losers whose asses Mao so thoroughly kicked. At least live in fucking REAL China, and not the wannabe, or Korea, or even Japan. But ass-kicking cred amongst the ignorant from Taiwan? Seriously?
And I also get why you can only kick someone's ass in Taiwan. I mean, unlike England, where anything more deadly than a longbow is illegal, you have to go to Switzerland to find a more heavily-armed populace. Coming to the US to kick someone's ass only gets you a steel-jacketed tumor from a thousand meters.
and the living definition of “I have HUGE internet balls”
“If I scream loud enough, no one will notice I'm compensating for Troyeresque penis”
Oops, too late.
There's nothing cuter than a raging Brit. It's like a Jack Russell Terrier, cute but as long as you're bigger than a squirrel, ultimately amusing, and satisfactorily dealt with by a brick.
So… you're an illiterate troll whose blog gets no attention unless you act like a cunt. Isn't that what I was telling you in the first place?
BAILEY'S?
Oh shit no, that's only for feeding to sorority girls so they think anal was their idea.
I didn't know logorrhea passed for game. Used to be writing was more than hearing the sound of your voice.
Hey, my five-year old is in Taiwan *right now*. Gimme your address, and I'll send her over to rough you up.
Well, fuck-a-doodle-do… if he had actually looked at the login page, it has an incredibly helpful little clue at the bottom that says, “Available at feedafever.com”. Any sufficiently curious person would then simply think, “Oh, well, let's jump on over to feedafever.com and see what we can learn.” Any partially-curious half-wit with a computer and an AOL account would then try furiously hunt and peck those letters into the a search box at the top of any ISP-supplied home page, then maybe click the first link that appears.” Clearly, he didn't fall into either of those categories, so clearly his skill and mental capacity are rivaled only by small, furry house pets.
Just sayin'.
Damn I've been out “cunted”. Have to get my mojo back. Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt.
That ought to do it!
Prick.