FAQ: Coping With an Evil Hand

It’s time for me to give back to the com­mu­nity. So I’m going to pro­vide some infor­ma­tion about a con­di­tion that has affected me per­son­ally, and prob­a­bly has affected many of my read­ers: Evil Hand Disorder (EHD). EHD is a very per­sonal dis­or­der, so I’d like to thank the many anony­mous con­trib­u­tors to this F.A.Q. Their courage is inspiring.

What is evil hand disorder?

Evil Hand Disorder is the generic term for a vari­ety of con­di­tions in which an individual’s hand takes on an inde­pen­dent per­son­al­ity, by def­i­n­i­tion an evil per­son­al­ity. It should be noted that the inde­pen­dent per­son­al­ity man­i­fested by the hand must be a least ten per­cent more evil that the orig­i­nal host per­son­al­ity to be clas­si­fied as Evil Hand Disorder. If the entire com­pos­ite organ­ism is equally evil, then the indi­vid­ual has a con­di­tion knows as “being a fuck­ing asshole.”

What causes evil hand disorder?

Evil Hand Disorder can be caused by many dif­fer­ent things. Among them:

• Psychotic break­down
• Transplant from a ser­ial killer
• Absorbing a twin while in the womb
• Gypsy curse
• Demonic pos­ses­sion
• Science run amok

It is impor­tant to note that the spe­cific cause of the evil hand will directly affect the way in which it man­i­fests. This F.A.Q. will mainly deal with the com­mon issues.

Will my evil hand try to kill me?

In most cases, no, your evil hand will not actively attempt to slay you. The major excep­tion to this rule is some forms of Gypsy curse where the goal of the curse is to inflict a max­i­mum degree of suf­fer­ing upon the cursed indi­vid­ual before their hor­rific demise. In gen­eral though, your evil hand has a vested inter­est in main­tain­ing the health of the “host” individual.

Will my evil hand kill other people?

Oh fuck yes it will. This is basi­cally all evil hands do. Think about it, what else does an evil hand get to do with its time? It can’t eat. It can’t talk. It can indulge in only the most rudi­men­tary forms of sex. Additionally, the aver­age evil hand only has the men­tal devel­op­ment of a three-year old child, or a small mar­moset. They are highly emo­tional and rarely ratio­nal. If you have an evil hand, pre­pare to learn how to hide a corpse.

How can I peace­fully coex­ist with my evil hand?

First, if your evil hand is the prod­uct of a mali­cious Gypsy curse then you are fucked. You might as well kill your­self now. In other cases, the key to main­tain­ing a har­mo­nious rela­tion­ship with your evil hand are is observ­ing the “Three Cs”

• Communication
• Compromise
• Concealment

Communication is the first step to hav­ing a healthy rela­tion­ship with your evil hand. Often, the first impulse that some­one diag­nosed with EHD has is to ignore it. The urge to pre­tend that your new com­pan­ion for life doesn’t exist can be very strong. You must over­come that impulse and engage in an open and hon­est dia­log with your appendage.

Compromise is the heart of a healthy rela­tion­ship with your evil hand. Establish clear and firm bound­aries regard­ing who your hand may kill, and when it may man­i­fest itself. Many an indi­vid­ual with EHD has failed to estab­lish proper bound­aries with their hand, only to wake up in a pool of their sig­nif­i­cant other’s blood. don’t let this hap­pen to you. In the same token, rec­og­nize that your hand has needs too. You may find hack­ing hobos and pros­ti­tutes into a fine mince dis­taste­ful, but that is the sweet, sweet release that allows an evil hand to make it through the day. Seriously, it’s like evil hand heroin.

For the love of Satan, don’t let any­one ever dis­cover that you have an evil hand! It may be tempt­ing to seek the advice of a fam­ily doc­tor, the sci­en­tific com­mu­nity or a mem­ber of the clergy, but please recon­sider. The most com­mon result will be incar­cer­a­tion, vivi­sec­tion, or burn­ing at the stake.

It may be tempt­ing to attempt to remove your evil hand, pos­si­bly via the use of a table saw or large axe. Don’t attempt this! At best your evil hand will sense your inten­tions and rebel. At worst you will suc­ceed and your hand will take on an inde­pen­dent exis­tence. If you thought your hand was evil now, wait until you’ve cut its feet off.

Can I have sex with my evil hand?

I wouldn’t advise it, and you are a sick mother-fucker for think­ing of it. In all seri­ous­ness, you would will­ingly allow some­thing called an “evil hand” near your gen­i­tals? Go play in traf­fic, you’ll have bet­ter odds.

Closing thoughts:

I hope that you have found the answers above use­ful. Remember that, with a lit­tle care and under­stand­ing, hav­ing an evil hand can be a rich and reward­ing expe­ri­ence. The best of luck to you both.