Rob Enderle: A Douche for All Seasons

I don’t often bag on Rob Enderle. I mean, where’s the sport in pick­ing apart the scrib­blings of a guy who looks like your creepy uncle, and who would write an arti­cle com­par­ing his own mother to Satan if you greased his palm suf­fi­ciently? Nonetheless, Rob’s lat­est idi­otic screed is some­thing that I can’t pass by. So, let’s fire up the RantoMatic 5000™ and get down to business.

I’d like to dis­sect Rob’s arti­cle argu­ment by argu­ment. Unfortunately Rob neglected to actu­ally make any argu­ments. Instead, what we have is a loosely strung together col­lec­tion of mini-rants, inex­plic­a­ble links, pathetic attempts at wit, and a bizarre audi­tion for work at Fox News. So, in lieu of a proper tear-down, I’ll set­tle for point­ing out some of the more inane pieces.

All shitty arti­cles start with a shitty head­line, and this turd is no exception.

Apple Shakes Baby, Kills Freedom of Speech

You see, what prompted Rob to go into a frenzy was the recent “Baby Shaker” iPhone app inci­dent. I think. It’s really hard to under­stand the gib­ber­ish that Rob spews onto the screen. You see, last week Apple shook a baby to death. Then for a fol­lowup they repealed the First Amendment. Or not. In real­ity, maybe Apple allowed an app of admit­tedly ques­tion­able taste to make it into the App Store, and, when the pro-infant con­tin­gent started whin­ing about it, pulled the app. At any rate, Rob’s angry about it.

Rob’s ten­u­ous grasp on real­ity is fur­ther reflected in the lead.

Apple may be a genius when it comes to brand­ing its prod­ucts, but when it comes to pub­lic rela­tions, the com­pany is in a dead heat with Google for the crown of worst com­pany in the world. Google looked to be the win­ner when its Street View team was run out of town by angry Brits, but Apple quickly one-upped it with its all-around bad judg­ment over the noto­ri­ous “baby shaker” app for the iPhone.

Um, yeah, Apple and Google, the two com­pa­nies in the world with the worst PR ever. I’ll just leave that one to fester.

Moving on to the next paragraph.

Apple (Nasdaq: AAPL) was hav­ing a good month until last week. Sales were up explo­sively — at least, for the iPhone and iPod — but all of that good news was trashed when the com­pany first allowed a ques­tion­able appli­ca­tion onto the iPhone and then killed it with­out expla­na­tion. Already, the tone sur­round­ing Apple appears to be changing.

Yup, every­thing Apple has accom­plished in 30 odd years of busi­ness has been destroyed by one iPhone joke app. Developers, your power has never been so great! Even worse, the last word in the para­graph, “chang­ing,” is a link to some asi­nine ZDoucheNet story about how the MacBook Air doesn’t com­pete with some shit-ass net­book. I guess the actual rel­e­vance of the link doesn’t mat­ter as long as the fucks who pro­vide Rob with his cocaine sup­ply get the Google juice.

From there Rob con­tin­ues his decent into mad­ness. As far as I can tell, the Dipshit King seems to think that Baby Shaker was some sort of avante garde mes­sage about the dan­gers of Baby Shaking (and believe me, I wish some­one had warned me about baby shak­ing before I blew out my rota­tor cuff). I can’t say for sure that that’s what Rob’s on about, because read­ing his “argu­ment” makes my head swim.

For the sake of giv­ing you pricks the same headache I have, here’s a choice quote.

Going to the core of all of this is free speech and cen­sor­ship. In this instance, there may be — and I stress “may,” because I have no idea why this thing actu­ally exists — two groups focused on doing the same good deed, while dis­agree­ing as to the method. In choos­ing one side, Apple effec­tively entered as cen­sor with a pos­si­ble adverse impact: That one life that might have been saved will now be lost. It appears that both the ini­tial accep­tance and later removal of the appli­ca­tion came with­out any deep review.

What in Baal’s name does that even mean? Seriously, one thou­sand quat­loos for the per­son who can parse that paragraph.

At this point, things get weird. Rob, who is appar­ently look­ing to branch out from his job suck­ing Steve Balmer’s cock to suck­ing Rupert Murdoch’s cock uses this dri­vel to attack Al Gore.

Why this is a prob­lem for Al Gore is that the Democratic Party — the one he belongs to — tends to aggres­sively defend free speech and has sup­ported aggres­sive anti­smok­ing efforts in the past that could poten­tially be viewed as bear­ing sim­i­lar­i­ties to the cur­rent con­tro­versy. With a Nobel Prize, the expec­ta­tion is that Gore would play a sig­nif­i­cant role when issues like this arise.

You read it right chil­drens, Al Gore is respon­si­ble for App Store approvals. The words, they fail me.

There really isn’t much else to say about this one. Everyone knows that Rob Enderle is the shillingest of paid shills, but I have to believe that he did this one off the clock. There couldn’t be any­one retarded enough to pay for a com­bined Apple/Democrat hit piece based on an iPhone joke app. Could there be? As a spe­cial bonus, do read the com­ments to the orig­i­nal piece Rob’s replies to the crit­i­cism are just pre­cious.