The Gizmodo Cocksuckers Strike Again

Sing, O Goddess of the wrath of Achilles…

On sec­ond thought bitch, sing of the wrath of the Angry Drunk, for he is indeed wroth.

And what fine spec­i­men of New Media Douchebaggery has earned my unholy wrath today? Why, it’s Jesus Diaz of Fuckwit Central, or Gizmodo as they pre­fer to be called. Last week I men­tioned, in pass­ing, a bull­shit rumor-mill story by Jesus cit­ing unnamed sources claim­ing that Steve Jobs’ deci­sion not to deliver Apple’s final keynote address at the Macworld Expo this week was due to ill­ness. In a rare move, both Steve and the Apple Board of Directors issued state­ments today address­ing this issue.  Steve’s let­ter is here; and the Board’s is here. Go ahead and read them. I’ll wait.

Ok, you’re back. Did you read those? Seriously read them? Good; now here’s a quick pop quiz. In which sen­tence did Steve or the Board admit that Apple PR was “lying” when they stated that Apple was pulling out of Macworld because the Expo was no longer worth the invest­ment? Can’t find that part? Neither can I; but we must not have the mag­i­cal mind read­ing pow­ers of Jesus Diaz. See, in the world of New Media Douchebaggery, there a few hard and fast rules; and one of the pri­mary ones is that you never, ever admit when you’re wrong.

So, instead of man­ning up and admit­ting that he spread a bull­shit rumor based on a lying piece of shit source; Jesus decides to claim that it’s Apple that’s lying. Read it here. To quote:

But we were right on some­thing almost as impor­tant: The rea­son why Steve Jobs is not doing the Macworld 2009 keynote is his health. Apple PR mus­cle tried to mis­lead the pub­lic again say­ing that the rea­son was the irrel­e­vance of Macworld. They said they didn’t want to give impor­tance to a show that Apple was pulling from. That’s a lie. The truth, as writ­ten by Steve Jobs him­self, is that his health is the real rea­son. He didn’t want to put him­self through the ordeal of prepar­ing the keynote — the hard­est part — and deliv­er­ing it for two hours. And that’s why he decided to take time off with his fam­ily and keep recovering.

No Jesus, you ram­pag­ing fuck­tard, “…[t]he truth, as writ­ten by Steve Jobs him­self…” is that he was los­ing weight, which he never denied, the issue has been iden­ti­fied and is being addressed. I know that it’s hard to focus on read­ing com­pre­hen­sion and causal con­nec­tions with that New Media ad-revenue dick firmly lodged in your esoph­a­gus, but let me break down Steve’s mes­sage in terms even a jack­anape like you can digest. The trans­la­tion is in italics.

Dear Apple Community, Dear fuck­heads, For the first time in a decade, I’m get­ting to spend the hol­i­day sea­son with my fam­ily, rather than intensely prepar­ing for a Macworld keynote. I got to spend Festivus with my fam­ily, mainly because I’m done putting on a show for you twats. Yay me! Unfortunately, my deci­sion to have Phil deliver the Macworld keynote set off another flurry of rumors about my health, with some even pub­lish­ing sto­ries of me on my deathbed. Unfortunately you shit­heads (I’m look­ing at you Jesus) needed to cover your shorts and decided to make up some bull­shit. I’ve decided to share some­thing very per­sonal with the Apple com­mu­nity so that we can all relax and enjoy the show tomor­row. I’m only say­ing this once, so pull Denton’s cock out of your mouth and lis­ten up. As many of you know, I have been los­ing weight through­out 2008. The rea­son has been a mys­tery to me and my doc­tors. A few weeks ago, I decided that get­ting to the root cause of this and revers­ing it needed to become my #1 pri­or­ity. I’ve been los­ing weight? No shit, I hadn’t noticed! Thank you for point­ing out the obvi­ous. Fortunately, after fur­ther test­ing, my doc­tors think they have found the cause — a hor­mone imbal­ance that has been “rob­bing” me of the pro­teins my body needs to be healthy. Sophisticated blood tests have con­firmed this diag­no­sis. Sadly, I’m a woo-addled hippy and it took me a while to go to a doc­tor who prac­tices evidence-based med­i­cine.  My bad. The rem­edy for this nutri­tional prob­lem is rel­a­tively sim­ple and straight­for­ward, and I’ve already begun treat­ment. But, just like I didn’t lose this much weight and body mass in a week or a month, my doc­tors expect it will take me until late this Spring to regain it. I will con­tinue as Apple’s CEO dur­ing my recov­ery. Modern sci­ence is fuck­ing amaz­ing. I have given more than my all to Apple for the past 11 years now. I will be the first one to step up and tell our Board of Directors if I can no longer con­tinue to ful­fill my duties as Apple’s CEO. I hope the Apple com­mu­nity will sup­port me in my recov­ery and know that I will always put what is best for Apple first. I don’t need you pricks to remind me of my fidu­ciary duties as a CEO. So now I’ve said more than I wanted to say, and all that I am going to say, about this. Fuck off and die.

Is that more clear? Correlation does not equal causation.

Now, trans­lat­ing the state­ment from the Board is even easier:

Are you on the Apple Board of Direcors? No? Didn’t think so. Now fuck off.

Here’s the deal my Web 2.0 brethren. When you won­der why busi­nesses don’t give you the respect and access that you deserve. Why peo­ple still say “blog­ger” with the same tone that they do “child rap­ing dog-fucker?” Well, take a good long look at chumps like Jesus Diaz. That’s your answer.