I Gave at the Office

October 24th, 2008, by The Angry Drunk

So, my office is doing a canned food drive for a local food bank. Ok, that’s cool, laud­able even. Now, how are we going to imple­ment this? A box in the break room per­haps, where peo­ple can qui­etly donate as their con­science dictates?

Oh. Fuck. No.

No, instead we’ve been divvied up into teams, appar­ently via some ran­dom algo­rithm since I have no idea who these peo­ple are. Then a “team cap­tain” is appointed to send out obnox­ious rah-rah emails. And why, dear read­ers do we need rah-rah emails? Because, of course since this office has a ten to one ratio of Sales douches to nor­mal peo­ple, we’ve gone and made this into a com­pe­ti­tion. Yes indeedy, don’t donate because it helps peo­ple, donate to get a splen­dif­er­ous half day off. Sometimes I think that these retards are inca­pable of tak­ing a crap unless some­one posts the results to a “leader­board” somewhere.

To add idiocy to obnox­ious­ness, the lat­est douchemail from the “cap­tain” encour­ages us to buy cases of bot­tled water. Because, you know, it’s more effi­cient for me to pro­vide water at $.75 a pop than it is for the food bank to use the taps at $.01 a bottle.

Fucking char­i­tards.

18 comments - (Comments closed)
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  • http://tewha.net Steven Fisher

    Oh, ow. We did some­thing like that many years ago. The stu­pid­ity was inter­rupted by mas­sive lay­offs, and we ended up 1/5th the size we were before. And no tards.

  • http://tewha.net Steven Fisher

    Oh, ow. We did some­thing like that many years ago. The stu­pid­ity was inter­rupted by mas­sive lay­offs, and we ended up 1/5th the size we were before. And no tards.

  • bkhar­mony

    Meh. Same crap here. Everything has to be some kind of event. But worse, our team does a food drive. Then the larger entity that encom­passes us does one, then another, etc. Like Russian nest­ing dolls. So what was once a good idea that had gen­uine char­ity behind it has become yet another retardo-world office mandate.

    But the sad­dest part is, you know damn well if they just set up a box in the printer room and emailed peo­ple a reminder, by the end of the week there would be a lone can of creamed corn and a Snickers wrap­per in the box. We (as a human race, not specif­i­cally you and I, or the supe­rior read­ers of this blog) need this kind of stu­pid crap to cut through the fog of drudgery sur­round­ing our daily lives.

    Now I’m depressed. Dammit, is it happy hour yet?

  • bkhar­mony

    Meh. Same crap here. Everything has to be some kind of event. But worse, our team does a food drive. Then the larger entity that encom­passes us does one, then another, etc. Like Russian nest­ing dolls. So what was once a good idea that had gen­uine char­ity behind it has become yet another retardo-world office mandate.

    But the sad­dest part is, you know damn well if they just set up a box in the printer room and emailed peo­ple a reminder, by the end of the week there would be a lone can of creamed corn and a Snickers wrap­per in the box. We (as a human race, not specif­i­cally you and I, or the supe­rior read­ers of this blog) need this kind of stu­pid crap to cut through the fog of drudgery sur­round­ing our daily lives.

    Now I’m depressed. Dammit, is it happy hour yet?

  • http://ripragged.blogspot.com Anonymous

    We don’t have sales­peo­ple where I work. Just bureau­crats, politi­cians, and worker bees. We do the same crap every year, though. We form up into teams and deter­mine the results by the num­ber of con­tain­ers each team col­lects. A cou­ple of years ago the team that won bought a whole frig­ging pal­let of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. Not the Deluxe vari­ety, either. The one with the pow­dered cheese.

    If that’s char­ity, I’m Ebenezer Scrooge.

  • http://rip-ragged.com/dross Rip Ragged

    We don’t have sales­peo­ple where I work. Just bureau­crats, politi­cians, and worker bees. We do the same crap every year, though. We form up into teams and deter­mine the results by the num­ber of con­tain­ers each team col­lects. A cou­ple of years ago the team that won bought a whole frig­ging pal­let of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. Not the Deluxe vari­ety, either. The one with the pow­dered cheese.

    If that’s char­ity, I’m Ebenezer Scrooge.

  • michael

    I see it as your duty to pil­fert the most tasty of canned goods for your own per­sonal use. Even if that use is to lob the cans at the idiots who came up with that idea.

  • http://myspace michael

    I see it as your duty to pil­fert the most tasty of canned goods for your own per­sonal use. Even if that use is to lob the cans at the idiots who came up with that idea.

  • http://www.theangrydrunk.com The Angry Drunk

    @michael: Unfortunately, as usual, the vast major­ity of crap donated was ramen noo­dles. If I eat them I’ll only be has­ten­ing my inevitable aneurysm; and, as offen­sive weapons, they have all the tac­ti­cal use of a nerf brick.

  • http://www.theangrydrunk.com The Angry Drunk

    @michael: Unfortunately, as usual, the vast major­ity of crap donated was ramen noo­dles. If I eat them I’ll only be has­ten­ing my inevitable aneurysm; and, as offen­sive weapons, they have all the tac­ti­cal use of a nerf brick.

  • Gatesbasher

    @ Rip Ragged:

    Mac and Cheese is kind of a Guilty Pleasure™ any­way, and I make a kick-ass ver­sion from scratch (basi­cally like Alton Brown’s recipe from “Good Eats.)

    When it comes to the pack­aged vari­ety, though, I actu­ally pre­fer the kind with the pow­dered cheese to the kind with the canned Cheez Whiz, but hey, that’s just me!

  • Gatesbasher

    @ Rip Ragged:

    Mac and Cheese is kind of a Guilty Pleasure™ any­way, and I make a kick-ass ver­sion from scratch (basi­cally like Alton Brown’s recipe from “Good Eats.)

    When it comes to the pack­aged vari­ety, though, I actu­ally pre­fer the kind with the pow­dered cheese to the kind with the canned Cheez Whiz, but hey, that’s just me!

  • michael

    maybe you could donate a six pack of beer and win on style alone.

  • http://myspace michael

    maybe you could donate a six pack of beer and win on style alone.

  • http://www.theangrydrunk.com The Angry Drunk

    @michael:

    maybe you could donate a six pack of beer and win on style alone.

    Nah, they sent a memo around what would be accept­able and unac­cept­able. Booze, sadly, was in the sec­ond column.

  • http://www.theangrydrunk.com The Angry Drunk

    @michael:

    maybe you could donate a six pack of beer and win on style alone.

    Nah, they sent a memo around what would be accept­able and unac­cept­able. Booze, sadly, was in the sec­ond column.

  • http://ripragged.blogspot.com Anonymous

    I for­got about ramen noo­dles. Yeah, real cham­pi­onship char­ity teams run up that carb to dol­lar ratio pretty high.

    The peo­ple who actu­ally get the idea of char­ity but aren’t com­pet­i­tive bring in the ran­dom pile of canned okra, wax beans, and cream of aspara­gus soup. Much more fun. Not as much fun as a box of air­line bot­tles of scotch would be, but much more thought­ful than a case of Top Ramen.

  • http://rip-ragged.com/dross Rip Ragged

    I for­got about ramen noo­dles. Yeah, real cham­pi­onship char­ity teams run up that carb to dol­lar ratio pretty high.

    The peo­ple who actu­ally get the idea of char­ity but aren’t com­pet­i­tive bring in the ran­dom pile of canned okra, wax beans, and cream of aspara­gus soup. Much more fun. Not as much fun as a box of air­line bot­tles of scotch would be, but much more thought­ful than a case of Top Ramen.