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How Did I Miss This Tripe?

Mainly because the only reporting I’ve seen on it was from the losers at Lifehacker. And what tripe am I writing about? Well, another “Don’t buy an iPhone” shit-piece from none other than the unwashed freetards at the Free Software Foundation. You know, your go-to neckbeards for opinions on consumer electronics. So, let’s take a quick belt of The Gin, fire up the Ranto-Matic 5000 and take a look at what I’m sure will be a reasonable essay.

iPhone completely blocks free software. Developers must pay a tax to Apple, who becomes the sole authority over what can and can’t be on everyone’s phones.

Really? I guess it sucks to be in the iPhone hacking community. I mean, I don’t like you dorks and you don’t like me; but I at least acknowledge that you exist. Right off the bat these dolts conflate the iPhone, with the App Store. More to the point (and this is entirely in keeping with these zealots narrow ass world view) they dismiss the hundreds, if not thousands of developers who a) don’t give a shit about “free” software and b) might actually like getting paid for their efforts.

iPhone endorses and supports Digital Restrictions Management (DRM) technology.

More of the same tripe. Waah, waah, the other people won’t join our cult.

iPhone exposes your whereabouts and provides ways for others to track you without your knowledge.

What‽ Now we’re going off the deep end into loony-town. Yes Location Services is exposed to developers. And yes, shit like Loopt is a privacy disaster waiting to happen. But I have it on good authority that the OS asks for confirmation before letting an app use that info; to an annoying degree from what I hear. But wait, there’s a more subtle criticism here. Just above these jackasses were complaining that Apple wasn’t giving developers complete unfettered freedom to do as they choose; and now the fact that developers can access the GPS information is a horrible thing. Get your shit straight you fucking hypocrites. Oh wait, I forgot, “freedom” only counts if it’s freedom to agree with them.

iPhone won’t play patent- and DRM-free formats like Ogg Vorbis and Theora.

Gods, this one again. These wastes of skin say the same thing about the iPod, look how that turned out. Earth to Moonvile, no one cares.

iPhone is not the only option. There are better alternatives on the horizon that respect your freedom, don’t spy on you, play free media formats, and let you use free software — like the FreeRunner.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!. Wait, let me catch my breath. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!. Sorry, there isn’t much I can say about that. The words, they fail me.

So, there’s your five reasons. Two are based on faulty assumptions, two are religious zealotry and one is laughable at best. But the bullshit doesn’t end there. These flabby sacks continue for another few paragraphs with the most retarded zealotry I’ve heard in a while. I could dissect the entire piece, but there’s drinking to be done; so I’ll include one more quote:

Apple, through its marketing and visual design techniques, is manufacturing an illusion that merely buying an Apple makes you part of an alternative community. But the technology they use is explicitly chosen to divide people into separate digital cells, and to position Apple as sole warden. When your business depends on people paying for the privilege of being locked up, the prison better look and feel luxurious, and the bars better not be too visible.

You heard it kiddies, we’re locked in a prison of Apple’s making. I know, it’s the Free Software Foundation; expecting reason is like expecting my dog to sit up and begin reciting Shakespeare, but at least I got to rant for a bit.

As an aside to Gina Trapani and the rest of the Lifehacker crew. I know you Gawker dipshits are all about the hitcount; but leave the iPhone bashing hype for your brethren at the Consumerist. They’re better at it, and it makes more sense coming from them. Stick with your strengths and keep shilling for David Allen.